Zach Efron got down with an Australian starlet. Charlie Sheen battles off porn stars. Lauren Conrad's reality show gets dumped. Russell Brand's unexpected high school picture. Gisele horrifies cancer doctors everywhere. Saturday Gossip roundup is aluminum-free.

  • Disney emotion-generating automaton Zac Efron got what us humans refer to as "action" the other night. He was spotted with Australian actress Teresa Palmer (Sorcerer's Apprentice) at Voyeur night club in L.A. "They all took tequila shots together. He was grabbing her butt and doing very suggestive dancing." Said an eyewitness. "Then they made out a couple times standing up." Weird—last we heard Zac Efron was rekindling his romance with his Disney ex, Vanessa Hudgens. While Zac was having his debauched night at Voyeur, Vanessa probably sat at home in the gloaming, slowly dismembering a Little Mermaid doll with a butcher's cleaver. Disney stars! They're dark like us. [E!]
  • Porn stars keep trying to text Charlie Sheen to hang out with him but he won't do it! Some of his texts: "Please lose the number, we are closed… please drive through… thank you." And "Right now we are on lockdown." Charlie Sheen needs to get that AT&T plan where texts are unlimited if you're messaging with a porn star. [TMZ]
  • Here are what the stars of Jersey Shore make in appearance fees: The Situation and Snooki: $15,000; JWoww, Pauly D and Vinny: $12,000; Sammi and Ronnie: $8,000; Deena: $5,000. [P6]
  • The Hills star Lauren Conrad was supposed to have her own reality show with MTV—a documentary series about her career. But MTV decided not to air it. Conrad told Entertainment Weekly that "MTV felt the subject matter was too high brow for their audience… we are sorry MTV didn't feel their viewers were savvy enough to appreciate it" So what you're saying is it was boring? [EW]
  • Justin Bieber is going to make a surprise appearance on Saturday Night Live tonight. Now everyone is groaning at their keyboards/iPads, but did you see the Biebs on The Daily Show on Thursday? It was actually funny! Perhaps when his voice changes he can make a career doing guest appearances on comedy shows. [THR]
  • In addition to being a pretty lady, supermodel Gisele is now a renowned chemist and cancer specialist. She says she never wears sunscreen: "I cannot put this poison on my skin," she said. "I do not use anything synthetic." To fight cancer, she just never exposes her skin to sun after 8am. Obviously this has upset actual scientists who say there is no poison in sunscreen and you will get cancer if you don't wear it. Whatever, "scientists." We only take medical advice from people who look good in a bikini. (i.e. Gisele, Jenny McCarthy.) Shape up! [Daily Mail]
  • This is apparently what Russell Brand looked like in high school:

[IDLYITW]

  • Douche of the Decade and "Girls Gone Wild" head Joe Francis is being investigated by the cops after a woman claimed he pushed her down at his house last week. Sounds about right. [TMZ]

[Images via Getty]