Billy Ray Cyrus says "there's no doubt" his family is under attack from Satan. LiLo spent Valentine's Day with SamRo. January Jones only feels safe when photographers are near. Tuesday gossip sins.

  • In a trainwreck interview with GQ, Billy Ray Cyrus says "there's no doubt" that his family is under attack from Satan. The devil's instrument of torture: Hannah Montana. "I'll tell you right now, that damn show destroyed my family." Before the Cyruses moved to L.A., they had a group baptism in Tennessee. But the devil attacked as soon as his brood arrived at the Los Angeles city limits, when Miley pointed to a sign: ADOPT-A-HIGHWAY: ATHEISTS UNITED. "A physical sign. It could have easily said 'You will now be attacked by Satan. Entering this industry, you are now on the highway to darkness.'" At the time of the interview Billy Ray hadn't spoken to Miley since her bong-ripping video surfaced: "I'm scared for her. She's got a lot of people around her that's putting her in a great deal of danger." He compares Miley to Kurt Cobain, Michael Jackson, and Anna Nicole Smith, then concludes, "I should have been a better parent. I should have said, 'Enough is enough, it's getting dangerous and somebody's going to get hurt.'" If the Cyrus family erupts into a feud, it could be the bloodiest Hollywood has ever seen, equal parts Spears, Lohan, and Southern Baptist tent revival. [GQ, image via Getty]
  • Speaking of trainwreck former Disney stars, Lindsay Lohan spent Valentine's Day with Samantha Ronson. Don't give her your heart, Lindsay! It will only hurt worse when the California penal system rips you away from her again! [Radar]
  • January Jones doesn't feel safe unless the paparazzi are around: "They wait down the street on either end to see which way I'm going to go. The weird thing about it is, it kind of makes me feel safe. I live alone, and I feel like they're always there, they're always watching. If someone were to come in and rob me—there's photographers. It's like the best security system ever. Maybe I'm that pathetic at this point. But it's a constant presence." Are we sure this isn't a monologue from Jane Krakowski's character on 30 Rock? January has a "thick steel door on her bedroom, a gift from a Navy SEAL friend. 'At night I crank it and my bedroom's a safe room.'" Now it's the set-up for a horror film. [USAToday]
  • Charlie Sheen called into a radio talk show and announced he was "peeing clean. I feel great, man. I feel great. I am here and ready… I'm actually hungry." Good for him, but is the reference to hunger putting anyone else in a drunk David Hasselhoff state of mind? Also, what's with addled alcoholics calling radio talk shows all the time? Shouldn't Charlie have a direct line to Oprah by now? [Star]
  • Meanwhile in the Two and a Half-iverse, the cast and crew of the favorite TV show of Austrian incest monsters are thoroughly pissed because Warner Brothers is canceling four episodes, which means salaries and jobs are getting slashed. [TMZ]
  • Rev. Al Sharpton keeps saying no to Dancing with the Stars, only because he's so talented: "I've got moves. I'd blow 'em out! There would be no chance for anybody to touch me." [™]
  • Tonya Harding is pregnant! Remember her? The sequin-bedecked ice hobo who hired a guy to whack Nancy Kerrigan in the leg, and make her cry? Yup, that lady's going to be a mom, with her new husband, who is not the guy who helped her destroy poor Nancy Kerrigan's dreams. [People]
  • Katy Perry's mother is desperate for grandchildren. Katy Perry is going to be the most annoying pregnant woman ever. [People]