Ant sex! Bacteria attack! Sleep screwing! Quantum internet! Atlantis shuttle! Safe playgrounds! Disappearing diamonds! Star formation! Asteroid scars! And the bug that haunts your every waking moment! It's your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—on the down low!

  • All those "asexual" ants? The ones that were all just female clones and totally just focused on harvesting fungi and you would never suspect them of partying at all? Yes. Well. Perhaps they can explain the sperm we found all over their queen? Jesus, Jesus Christ. Don't say a word, just get in the car. I can't even.
  • Today we learn that bacteria have "Batman-like grappling hooks." What next, bacteria that kill us dead? Destroy them all.
  • Is "sexsomnia" an actual scientific "real thing," or merely a cover that Julie and Dan use for their rape fetish and submissive fantasies, respectively? I guess we'll never know, until someone finally finances my movie.
  • This thing says qubits are going on the wires next to the regular internet now which makes the internet "quantum" now, which is something that it wasn't before. Man alive!
  • There's the space shuttle Atlantis, up in the sky, coming home! It's flying down to earth for the last time! Wave to it! Wave to the space shuttle Atlantis, way up in space! It's flying home so the astronauts can see their families and tell them about their space adventures! Wave hello to the astronauts! They're watching you! That's the kind of lie that kids just eat up.
  • Is your child's playground too safe? Sure, and John Tierney's choice of topics is too unpredictable. That's a John Tierney joke—and a good one!
  • New research shows that if you put a diamond in sunlight it starts to lose atoms, and if you were to leave it there long enough, it could theoretically evaporate before your very eyes, and goddd, I knew I should not have left that big huge diamond ring I bought for you out in the sunlight like that, for eons! It was so big when I bought it, expensively.
  • How did the earliest stars form? Probably just gas and dust and whatnot comes together and gets all hot and bang, star. Any more detail than that and you're the guy at the party who's like "Hey, let me tell you about stars." And she's like "Yeah.." and you're like "A durrr."
  • This brave asteroid has revealed its scars. Do you think it is beautiful? What is life, but pain?
  • Mothhhsssssssssssssss!

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