So You've Been Wrongly Declared Dead
Life's hard, but being dead is an even bigger pain in the ass. Here are some horror stories from people who were mistakenly declared dead by the Social Security Administration, which wrongly "kills" over 14,000 people each year. What do you do if it happens to you? Here's a useful guide:
Take a Vacation
Now that you're legally dead, you are unable to collect benefits or apply for credit. It will probably be hard to get any job better than medical school cadaver, too. Maybe this is the universe telling you to take it easy for a bit. Maybe a cruise? Make the most of it, because you're probably only going to be dead one more time in your life.
Remember: You're Not a Ghost
Just because you've been declared dead does not mean you are a spectral presence haunting the earth. We cannot emphasize this enough. You cannot walk pass through walls, and you're not invisible. If you try to communicate with your wife by moving household objects around mysteriously or turning the TV on and off, she'll probably laugh at you.
Get Revenge
You're not going to just let someone get away with fake-killing you, are you? Hunt down the person who wrongly declared you dead, then declare them dead. If you're feeling especially salty, make them watch as you declare their wife and children dead.
Get a Book Deal
Near-death experiences are publishing gold. Sure, yours is more bureaucratic than medical, but just play up the fact that your untimely demise was due to overreaching Big Government bureaucrats. Literal death panels! It works for Rick Perry.
So, print out this guide and carry it around in your wallet. You never know when you might accidentally be written off the face of the earth.
