Bedbug death! Brain collection! Obesity drug! Depression stroke! Lung cancer! Sexxxy kids! Soup disease! Killer cantaloupe! And young people who think they're pret-ty damn clever! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—before you're ready!

  • Now they tell us that the pesticide they use to control bed bugs can kill you, or should we say "will kill you?" We should say "will kill you," because of the amount we put in your drink last night. Let's talk about something else.
  • Apparently some people are upset with the "brain collection practices" of a prestigious yet secretive medical institute nestled deep in the impenetrable woods of the far north. "What is these people's deal?" asked Dr. Frankenstein, perplexedly.
  • Hey fattie, guess what the latest "promising" anti-obesity drug is called? It's called "Contrave," a thinly veiled reference to the need for something, anything to Contrave(ne) your insatiable cravings for Cheez food products. This is the most promising drug since Y.UFat!
  • Depression increases the risk of stroke. Depressing.
  • Lung cancer also increases the risk of stroke. Ugh! I was smoking because I was so depressed.
  • The fun canned Spaghetti-O's that you feed your kids is full of carcinogenic BPA, "with Campbell's Disney Princess and Toy Story soups testing the highest." Is pretty pasta "Ariel" really a "Princess Bride"—of Cancer Satan? You bet your Buzz Lightyear! What we're saying jocularly is that your kids have cancer.
  • Eight have died already. How many more must be killed, by cantaloupes, before we kill all the cantaloupes to save ourselves?
  • A million 18-25 year olds in America have gotten health insurance in the last two years. Despite this encouraging progress, these and millions of other young people are still lacking A Clue.
  • Have you ever really stopped and thought about the cost of sexualizing kids? The makeup, the short shorts, the shackles, the whips, the photo sessions. That's probably several hundred bucks right there. And you have to keep updating that wardrobe throughout the preteen years.

[Photo: Getty]