Historically, American fathers dreamed that their sons would grow up to be greater men than they were. That was before the dreaded “millennial” generation.

The media is in a wellness bubble.

Shock-em in Gotham: Bill “De” Blasio, the current mayor of this great metropolis, is the kind of guy who goes to the gym in cargo shorts. Is this what we need, in a leader?

The propaganda that flows out of the Islamic State is typically of two kinds: Extreme, shocking violence (lynchings, shootings, stabbings, beheadings), or boring scenes of feigned domestic stability (a hummus factory, crops, a bus stop). But the fitness routines of ISIS constitute a third, bizarre form of media terror. Should we be scared of them?

High class? Low class? No class. NO FITNESS CLASS. NEVER.

“‘As I’m looking for a job, spending this kind of money shocks me,’ Hansen says of her $14,000 annual fitness budget, ‘but it keeps me sane.’” Some people value fitness classes very highly.

Paul Ryan’s “daily gym workout is from 6:30 am to 8 am: P90X, yoga, crossfit, cycling/spin.” Every fitness nightmare made flesh. Appropriate.

A new study finds that lifting weights may “slow the age-related shrinking of some parts of our brains.” Don’t be weak, old, and dumb—squat.

The presidential campaign of timid celebrity child Jeb Bush has released an official physician’s letter stating that Jeb is in “excellent” physical condition. Excellent, Jebediah? Big talker.

You look at yourself and see a strong, vibrant member of a community of like-minded individuals. I look at you and I see a sweaty, desperate fascist in training. Three supportive cheers from the Fitness Team for your personal record today—fascist!

Fitness measurement gadget maker Fitbit has surged a full 50% in its stock market debut today, meaning Fitbit is now a $6 billion company that, ideally, would not exist.

Get up.

Uh oh, summertime is here and you know what that means, ladies—time to obsess over your arms, for some reason! Wow! Arms! Appendages! What to do?

Are you one of a subset of 83 million Americans? You’re lazy, man.

"Just received my waist trainer from @NoWaistClique!! #LovingIt" tweeted celebrity female Lindsay Lohan today.

Mark Jordan, a 54-year-old Texas man, has broken the world record for pullups—4,321 in 24 hours. Ladies?

Should you lift weights to heavy metal? Should you cardio dance to hip hop tracks? Should you run the streets listening to podcasts? NO.

No.

This past weekend was the running of the annual Tough Guy race in the English countryside, which touts itself as the "toughest race in the world." It looks pleasant.

A big surprise today, a shock, a dark horse galloping from nowhere to win the championship: the New York Times declares that "The Super-Short Workout" is the "fitness trend" of 2014. A trend that they invented!