Lindsay Lohan's jail sentence is delayed. Kim Kardashian flees Australia. Kate Gosselin gets a job clipping coupons. Stanley Tucci marries Emily Blunt's sister. Thursday gossip procrastinates nude.

  • Lindsay Lohan's 30-day jail sentence has been delayed so she can finish her "boobs, ass, and vag" Playboy shoot. (Yes, I know "vag" is technically the wrong word. But I hear Playboy has made stunning advances in the art of speculum photography, so you never know.) "Work obligation" or something. She gets one week to surrender, and might not stay in jail for more than a few minutes, anyway. [TMZ, TMZ, courtroom image via Getty]
  • After filing for divorce and fleeing to the end of the world (Australia) Kim Kardashian has ditched her Down Under tour because she's too "distraught" to meet her obligations, like earning $150,000 to appear at a carnival. "I love my fan base out here. Of course I do really want some time to myself and it has been tough." Also, if she keeps making press appearances, she will eventually be forced to answer a divorce question, thereby damaging the monetary value of her first stateside sit-down. Sister Khloe, who is also in Australia, declined to pick up Kim's slack. [Us]
  • Meanwhile, Kim's plight has inspired revered novelist and lover of young hot things Salman Rushdie to Twitter poetry. Witness ye, @SalmanRushdie's "once-only, never-to-be-repeated Kim #Kardashian Limerick":

  • The marriage of poor kim #kardashian was krushed like a kar in a krashian
    her kris kried, not fair! why kan't I keep my share?
    But kardashian fell klean outa fashian.

  • One more fatwah, and his next one is half off! Sidenote: "Never-to-be-repeated tweet" is an oxymoron, right? [@SalmanRushdie, AP]

Here are some pictures of Justin Bieber's self-proclaimed (and widely contested) baby mama showing her boobs and posing in a bathroom stall, like the one they allegedly fucked in. There is something so tragic about losing your virginity to a fan. Awesome for the fan, though? [GlobalGrind, StarzUncut]

  • Clooney ex and daddy issues poster girl Elisabetta Canalis is rebounding with True Blood actor Mehcad Brooks, who is way too young to be her father. [Us]
  • Kate Gosselin's new job: Clipping coupons and blogging about it. Seems like an appropriate use of her two greatest skills: Fameballing and maternal desperation. [E!]
  • 14-year-old Chloe Moretz has a crush on Ryan Gosling. Get in line, girl. [Interview]
  • Stanley Tucci is engaged to Devil Wears Prada co-star Emily Blunt's sister Felicity. Mazel tov! [Us]
  • Jessica Simpson will marry Eric Johnson after she bears his baby. Too bad, would've been a good opportunity to launch a line of baby bump wedding dresses by Jessica Simpson. Wide-open niche, y'all. [People]
  • Final Kim Kardashian item: Apparently the biggest fight during pre-nup negotiations was "how much of a cut Kris [Humphries] would get from all the wedding-generated moolah." Since they "didn't make a dime," though, I guess that settles that. (Kidding. "Kris got a limited cut of the wedding money.") [TMZ]