Sodium diet! Obesity drug! Autism brain! Sickness debt! Exercise aging! Digestion difficulty! Drug sex! Fruit interactions! And a stern reminder to never trust those "doctors!" It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with malice!

  • Does cutting sodium in your diet really improve your health? Or does it—to the shocking contrary—hurt your health? I supposed it could also have no effect on your health. At least we know that discussing it gives me a headache.
  • A new medication has been shown to help lazy monkeys lose weight with no diet or exercise. But will this experimental new drug "cyanide" have the same effect on humans?
  • Turns out that autism could be caused by having too many brain cells. You know that's the same reason my mom said my head is so darned big, too! Let's be friends.
  • Here's a real breaking news story, a real shocker as they say in the biz, a real big surprise and whatnot: sick people are more likely to be in medical debt. This one's a real astonisher, really amazing, astounding, a true epiphany, a marvel, a revelation, a wonder, a real thunderbolt.
  • Yeah, exercise helps you age well right up until your sudden meeting with our good friend Mr. Blown Out Knee. Then it's a one way ticket to Depressionville and Wrinkletown, Couch Potato Avenue, population: a chap by the name of You (you).
  • Uh oh, what do you do if common foods are difficult for you to digest? First, shut up.
  • When you give rats methamphetamine they just want more drugs and more sex and more drugs and more sex and then more drugs, and more sex. Whoa. Do you know anybody like that, who wants to party? But less of a rat, and more a female human type? And you should know I don't do drugs. I'm feeling a little tired too so maybe we can just lay on the couch and watch whatever's on the FX network. So if you're into partying, just email me. And again, no rats please, it's just my preference. Not racist a bit.
  • Don't worry, the new grapefruit-pummelo hybrid fruit won't negatively interact with your medications. Cross that off the list of life's worries. And hey, don't forget to thank the big guy upstairs, okay?
  • Gloves are no guarantee your doctor's hands are clean. Your doctor keeps his gloves in his butt.

[Photo of drugs, personified via Carlos Varela/Flickr]