Scarlett hates Blake for monopolizing Ryan Reynolds. Brad Pitt counsels a suicidal actor. Kourtney Kardashian isn't getting married. Tareq Salahi wants to canoodle Kate Gosselin. Friday gossip stands in a circle and chants "Fight! Fight! Fight!"

  • Apparently Scarlett Johansson is one of those girls who thinks boyfriends are like tubs of ice cream that you spit in: Nobody can have them after you do. Consequently, she hates Blake Lively for having the world's boring romance with Ryan Reynolds, whom Scarlett dumped one year ago, after two years of marriage. "Scarlett is pissed that he's not under her spell anymore. She realized what a great catch Ryan was." I mean, I don't really believe this item, but whatever: Hatred! Jealousy! Hot blonde catfight! OK, technically ScarJo is a redhead right now, but she's blonde at heart, you know? [Us]
  • Soulja Boy is getting evicted from his apartment in Atlanta. Good thing he has that imaginary private jet to live in. [TMZ]
  • That rumor about Kourtney Kardashian's wedding being "imminent"? "False." The tabloid gods are merciful today. [OMG]
  • Michelle Trachtenberg says she was almost Bella in Twilight: "There's only so few pale girls in Hollywood. I've known [director] Catherine Hardwicke since the movie Thirteen." Oh, yeah, she was supposed to be in that, too: "I was actually supposed to star in that, but I was on Buffy at the time." She's so over that teenage fangbang bullshit, anyway: "I already have Buffy. I've already done the vampire thing." [Us]
  • Here's a picture of quirky vampire Ashley Greene making out with death-defying stage Spiderman Reeve Carney. K-I-S-S-I-N-G, etc. [Us]
  • During a Moneyball Q&A with Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill, a struggling actor confessed to being suicidal. "It was a really awkward moment." Brad consoled him thusly: "He said, 'Look, man, life is up and down, it's a vicious cycle, but you have to go through it and deal with that.'" I'm not sure how to process this information. Brad Pitt saves lives? [Us]
  • Tareq Salahi has a crush on Kate Gosselin, and asked an Access Hollywood reporter to set them up. This can only end in tragedy. [Acess Hollywood]
  • Britney Spears turns 30 today. Happy birthday, sorry for ruining my life. [TMZ]
  • J.Lo and boytoy lover Casper Smart are now in Morocco. [People, @CasperSmart]
  • Taylor Swift mostly writes songs "in the middle of the night." Just thought you should know. [P6]
  • Judy Lewis, the secret daughter of Loretta Young and Clark Gable, who spent her first 19 months "in hideaways and orphanages" and her first 31 years unaware of who her father was, has died at the age of 76. Her obituary is pretty fascinating. R.I.P. [NYT]
  • After nine years of awkward run-ins, giant butt plugs, projectile vomit, bong rips, dick pics, flaming testicles, flaming Tom Cruises, Lindsay Lohan lock-ups, Chris Brown meltdowns, cunt punches, busted weaves, public drunkenness, poopy bedsheets, and LOLs, Gossip Roundup is dead. (Feel free to beat your breasts and keen.) From now on, good gossip will be presented in regular posts, boring gossip will be ignored, and nothing will have bullet points. I know it's scary, but hold my hand and close your eyes, I promise we are going somewhere better. A beautiful place, full of daises and sunshine and misbehaving starlets and sex tapes, and Lindsay Lohan, gamboling in a field. There will always be Lindsay Lohan.

    My apologies to the editorial staff of Life & Style, who have apparently been printing these out and using them to guide their daily meetings. You'll still have the Jezebel Dirtbag. I reserve the right to add "Life & Style editorial intern" to my resume, though.