Jersey Shore: The Wonderful Wizard of Ass
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What is happening with the greatest sociological experiment of our time? Everyone is getting along. Sammi and Ronnie aren't fighting. The Situation isn't being a dick. Everyone is getting along. It's so...so...boring.
Yes, last night continued the trend of lackluster episodes of this latest phase of our experiment. Yet again, we don't have any new vocabulary words to study and there isn't any new or revelatory behavior (except with the Bunny Suit) to investigate. It's just kind of lame.
It's like a guido working at the Shore Store—lots of lying around, and not much action. In fact, Bossman Danny finally gets pissed that Sitch has ditched the house and Vinny is hiding out in Staten Island. He even threatens to find some new roommates. After a few girls interview for the position, JWOWW goes and rips down the help wanted sign.
The thing about this experiment is that it is no longer about looking at guidos, but about looking at famous guidos, but trying to pretend they're not famous (as brilliant described by fellow Jersey scientist Patti Greco). JWOWW and co are pissed about the prospect of a new roommate because they don't want someone coming along getting $100K an episode like they do without paying their dues. They don't want to have to share the spotlight with anyone new. That's what this whole argument is about, they just find new ways to talk about keeping it "in the family" and whatnot. It's really all about the cash.
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The strangest thing about the episode was the "Wizard of Ass," the "stripper pimp" that the girls hired to get the strippers for Situation's and DJ Paulie Debutante's birthday. Man, what an odd scene that was. It was just strange. That guy was strange. I'm all for females empowering other females in their sexuality (even if that means being paid to please men) but why not go to the girls directly? It's like they still have to go through some man to get to the ladies. The ladies can not operate on their own. It's a sad mash up of gender, class, labor, sexuality, and third-wave feminism. 17 dissertations were written about that one scene.
Also strange is that Sitch actually ends up taking the stripper home and spending the night with her. DJ Paulie Desperate knows that you don't try to fuck the stripper. It's the stripper's job to make you think that she is actually going to fuck you. That is what she gets paid to do: to give you a boner. She does not get paid to take care of that boner. That is what a prostitute is for. DJ Paulie Duh knows this, so he goes and gets himself another girl to take home who will actually fuck him for free. Sitch stays with his stripper either because he is so narcissistic that he thinks that she really does want to fuck him or because he paid for it. He can afford it! He's famous!
While I'm not entirely sure, as a scientist, what happened I can say that either the stripper fucking Situation was a direct result of a transaction or it was the exception that proves the rule about strippers not sleeping with you. It is either of those.
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The bunny suit is, by far, the most interesting thing that happened in this dispatch. Deena and Snooki bought it at the party supply store because they say they are bored. Yes, they are now trapped inside the house and only really go out to work, GTL, or go to the club, most likely because there are throngs of fans waiting outside. This part of the issue, of course, is not addressed.
Instead, they bring home the bunny costume, which they are now using to scare people. While many people are scared by the guido's outlandish lifestyle, they are scared by the opposite. They are scared by inauthentic and cloying cuteness. JWOWW is terrified, not by Snooki jumping out, but by the inauthenticity that is attacking her. She is scared that she is going to have to live with something whose only purpose is to be adorable. Guidos hate adorable. The love "classy."
I'm not sure how long the bunny costume will last though. I have a feeling that the guido's household god, The Duck Phone, will take offensive to this craven idol and will smite it down with all his power.
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Sammi got in a brawl. Good for Sammi. Why would an incident of such wanton violence happen to her though? Hm, it probably has nothing to do with the fact that every person in that club knows who she is, many of them don't like her, and they have only seen her be a nasty bitch on television. That probably had something to do with the fight. But we can't talk about that.
We can talk about the fact that no one better touch a guidette's weave. Can you believe another guidette tried to fuck with Sammi's weave? That is just seriously fucked up. That bitch got what she had coming to her. Sammi knows how to scrap and did not give up. Good for her self-defending her self with selflessness and self self self.
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Because everyone was so bored in the house and DJ Paulie was Depressed without Vinny, they decided to do something and go get DJ Paulie's Disguised boyfriend back. I love that he refers to Vinny as his boyfriend. I know their love is Platonic, but the smile of joy he had on his face when he made that announcement was just so sweet. In my mind, DJ Paulie Domestic Partner and Vinny are totally boyfriends and they're in love and they just have this sweet wonderful gay relationship and Vinny is the bottom and it's just so damn cute.
So, they all drive up to Staten Island (with Deena wearing her fairy wings, like she's going to a gay Halloween party in 1998) and storm Vinny's house. He's still a little bit off, feeling anxious, and smarting from the enormous "Let Go, Let God" tattoo across his chest (that he seems to regret already). But he agrees to go back. Why? Well, because he's missing out on $100K for every episode he's at his parents' house, that's why.
He even says that he's not 100% but he has a contract, he has obligations, he has fame. Until we can put that into the equation of our sociological experiment, nothing else seems to mesh.
