From crime to AIDS to the debt, America is facing a lot of problems. But there's a simple solution, according to this letter: cast this woman in a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. Not only will "less [sic] children... be harmed by confused followers of Leonardo DiCaprio," but Los Angeles might get the Olympics again.

"This was sent to the head of [a major studio] here in LA," a tipster told us, passing along the multiply-fowarded email and attached PDF. "It's a masterpiece and I think we need to start a... movement and get her in a film so that the children stop dying, etc." We agree. Below, some highlights, and the whole letter (plus attachments!).

The Header: "Winner!"

"If Leo had been cast with me, THOSE KIDS WOULD STILL BE ALIVE"

"If we ever want to have the Olympic ceremonies in Los Angeles, we need to star oppressing the evil British prostitues or actors[.]"

The Leo Girlfriend Dossier

"IT IS NEVER CLASSY TO OUTSOURCE JOBS TO BRITISH OR FRENCH PROSTITUTES WHO CANNOT DO MONOLOGUES AND WHO HAVE NO STATE CREDENTIALS"

The Best Actress Award

"I think evil British prostitutes have been taking advantage of Leonardo's lack of education for too long[.]"

This country needs my identity to be seen in the blockbuster movies!"

The Results of Casting Leo

The Full Letter