New Fat-Blocking Pepsi Will Soon Render All Non-Soda Liquids Redundant
At long last, God has answered our prayers: "fat-blocking" soda has arrived.
Unfortunately, because He is a tricky God, the new fat-blocking soda is Pepsi. WHY, GOD, WHY?
Tuesday saw Japan's launch of a new Pepsi product called "Pepsi Special," which boasts an ingredient called "indigestible dextrin"—a nutrient the country's Pepsi distributor, Suntory, claims will reduce the amount of fat absorbed by the body.
According to Forbes, a 2006 Japanese study on rats found that rodents fed dextrin absorbed less fat than those who weren't fed dextrin. Assuming people work just like rats, this health-ish Pepsi is good to go.
"Indigestible dextrin" is dietary fiber, which means that one of the ways the soda will allegedly help people to cut down on fat is by causing them to poop more. It will also make you feel fuller faster. I love soda.
Unfortunately, it seems unlikely this magic fat-pooping soda will make it to the country where it could do the most good—America—any time soon. Madelyn Fernstrom, the Today Show's diet and nutrition editor, notes that the FDA prevents soda from being fortified with nutrients (like fiber), lest it become Too Good.
Of course, even if the soda ever did make it across our border, perhaps in the form of a Slurpee syrup for the creation of a cool summertime treat, there's no telling what it would taste like.
According to Suntory's press release, the Pepsi will have a "crisp, refreshing, and unique" aftertaste. But, remember when Diet Coke tried to step to the scene with that weak mess "Diet Coke Plus" that looked just like regular delicious Diet Coke but tasted so strongly of awful vitamins that your body, not used to vitamins, just outright rejected it, causing you to vomit everywhere?
Even if it doesn't help prevent weight gain (as pretty much every health and science professional approached for comment has suggested), Pepsi Special is certainly the fanciest Pepsi product on the market.
Suntory says that the use of black and gold in the logo is intended to convey "a sense of luxury."
Funny. Coke conveys a sense luxury just by being Coke.
Ya burnt, Pepsi.
