Cocaine and nuclear weapons: A good mix? That’s what an official probe into coke abuse by “about a dozen airmen” at the F.E. Warren Air Force Base in Wyoming will investigate, the AP reports.

People these days are drinking less soda, because that shit will kill you. Hey asshole: that’s all over now. Because Coca-Cola has a new slogan—and marketing strategy—that you need to know about—right now—amazing.

A report out of the New York Times makes one thing very clear: Big Soda is quietly killing people while funding bad smokescreen science that says the opposite. How long until the people who run Coke are held accountable?

Americans, who fancy themselves sophisticated nutrition experts even as they consume a diet increasingly made up of petroleum byproducts, are no longer content to drink just any swill. They now prefer to drink swill that is worse than the previous swill of choice.

According to Wikipedia, Gigi Hadid is "an American fashion model and TV personality." The C-lister now says she is definitely not blowing a line of cocaine in the above image, which her dumbass B-list musician boyfriend shared online. Do you believe her?

The Coca-Cola Company would like to celebrate the "good old times" of 1940s Germany with you. Haaretz writes:

"Make it happy!" Coca-Cola's new marketing campaign exhorts. The campaign, introduced during a Super Bowl commercial, is accompanied by a stunt through which Twitter users reply to negative tweets with the hashtag "#MakeItHappy"; Coca-Cola then transforms those tweets into cute ASCII art. "We turned the hate you found into something happy," @CocaCola chirps.

"We're giving teens a reason to choose us," said an integrated marketing content director for Coca-Cola. "It gives teens a reason to reach for a Coke." Imagine living a life that required you to say those words.

Coca-Cola may be downplaying the fact that it's a Sochi Winter Olympics sponsor, but the mega-corporation doesn't really seem to have a problem with banning the word from its website.

In the future, soda will not be some grotesque concoction of artificial flavors and sugar. In the future, soda will be a grotesque concoction of artificial flavors and mysterious taste bud-modifying chemical agents. Progress!

If you want to hide a raging cocaine problem, all you have to do is tell people you’re going to rehab for a drinking problem. According to TMZ’s latest report, that’s what Zac Efron did when he entered rehab “roughly 5 months ago” and it was “insinuated” he was being treated for alcohol. But Charlie St. Cloud was hiding a much bigger secret on the set of Seth Rogen's new film Neighbors:

Today we bring you the story of the world's glammest lady: a 30-something Monégasque who drank nothing but soda every day for 16 years.

Your annual update on The Decline And Fall of the Soda Empire: American soda (meaning "Coke," for people who talk regular) consumption was down by 1.2% in 2012—AFTER BEING DOWN BY 1% THE YEAR BEFORE THAT ALSO. Sales of carbonated sugar water have been declining each year since 2005.

At long last, God has answered our prayers: "fat-blocking" soda has arrived.

The National University in Singapore recently installed an odd Coca-Cola vending machine: instead of money, this machine takes hugs and gives out free Coke.

"I think he feels like people don't take him seriously," a friend tells Page Six Magazine about Facebook billionaire Sean Parker. "People often think of him as being like the character…in the movie [The Social Network]." I wonder why! Possibly it's the expensive, drug-fueled parties. Or maybe it's the way he holds paranoid grudges over nightclub slights?

Our long national nightmare of coke cans looking different than usual has ended: Coca Cola has announced that it will scrap this year's white holiday-designed cans, and return to "time-honored red" next week. Why? "Sacrilege."

Shortly after being fired as Facebook president, Sean Parker was ejected from Bungalow 8 for piercing the eardrums of Lindsay Lohan and her entourage with his drunken screams. Five years later, the pair very much appear to have made up.

Here's a chart of cocaine prices around the world, which the Economist created using data released by the United Nations. Looks like the stuff is dirt cheap in England. Use this chart to plan your next semester abroad! [Economist, cocaine photo via Shutterstock.com]

This American Life says it's found the original secret recipe for Coca-Cola—weirdly enough, in a 1979 article in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.