The 42 Biggest News Events of 2012, as Experienced through Dr. Ruth's Sex-Obsessed Twitter
"I'll use any excuse to teach new positions & give advice," tweeted the popular sexpert and Holocaust survivor Dr. Ruth Westheimer earlier this year. And so it was: when she wasn't tweeting about queefs, the rhythm method, the amount of sperm in precum or encouraging men to paint their pensies to coordinate with the holidays, Westheimer twisted current events into excuses to espouse her pro-sex agenda. She writes like a fortune cookie, but at 84 she's never been as wacky or unmissable. Come, let's recount some of the biggest news stories of 2012 with some punny sex advice shoehorned in.
Obama delivered the State of the Union:
Pres will be talking about US State of the Union but afterwards, or before, couples ought to talk about the state of their union.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) January 24, 2012
The Giants won the Super Bowl:
NYers are all celebrating the Giants victory. Everyone else will just have to crawl into bed, hide under the covers and have sex!
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) February 6, 2012
Linsanity happened:
Jeremy scored a double double last night. I hope he had enough condoms!
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) February 16, 2012
There was a solar storm:
Did you hear, the giant solar storm causes sexual arousal. Planet Earth is going to be rocking! (If you believe it's true, it will be.)
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) March 8, 2012
Apple announced its retina display:
The iPad3 is said to have remarkable screen. Women who use it for a vaginal self-examination would get an eye-popping view.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) March 15, 2012
The shooting of Trayvon Martin inspired lots of hoodie discourse:
All this talk about hoodies makes me think of clitoral hoods. The side effect of being a sex therapist, I guess.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) March 23, 2012
There were tornadoes:
Tornadoes coming to midwest anything but sexy, sorry. A sexy twister is when the person on top attempts a 360. Can you do it?
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) April 14, 2012
A meteorite hit Earth:
A meteorite made large boom last weekend out west. Wonder if anyone was having an orgasm just when it exploded. Imagine that.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) April 26, 2012
50 Shades of Grey came out:
I admit I'd go out with Christian Grey, if I was a lot younger and single!
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) May 25, 2012
50 Shades of Ruth: If a woman's vagina gets all red, it's engorged with blood & means she's excited.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) May 25, 2012
Nora Ephron died:
Nora Ephron great writer who showed how easily women can fake orgasms in Harry Met Sally. Fake 1 in her honor tonite (then have real 1!)
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) June 28, 2012
TomKat split:
I don't know any more than u do of why Tom & Katie split but never forget, divorce is very very hard on everyone.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) July 3, 2012
Yahoo! accounts were hacked:
In fact if you're Yahoo acct was hacked, treat yourself to an orgasm. You'll feel a lot less frustrated.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) July 12, 2012
There was a solar flare:
Sun sent a huge solar flare our way. Could disrupt communications. That's OK, I give you permission to have sex without talking.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) July 12, 2012
The Olympics happened:
Not going to London for Olympics? OK then make sure you have gold medal quality sex at home.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) July 24, 2012
U can also make up your own events. Like onion ring toss onto an erect penis!
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) July 24, 2012
Ice caps melted:
Ice melting over 97% of Greenland. Maybe cause of Twitter too many of you are taking my advice & this is warming up the planet
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) July 24, 2012
Ebola in Uganda:
People in Uganda are urged not to kiss to avoid getting Ebola virus. Good advice but rest of us have to make up kissing deficit
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) July 30, 2012
We had a very hot July:
It's official July hottest in US history. I hope you did your part by having lots of terrific sex.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) August 8, 2012
Shark Week started:
Shark week starts Sun on Discovery. To me, not shows to watch to initiate foreplay. Big teeth = low sexual arousal
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) August 9, 2012
Some disagree w/me. I think when Jaws was in theaters there wasn't 1 man in audience w/erection. But I could be wrong.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) August 9, 2012
New pyramids were discovered:
2 new pyramids might have been discovered under mounds of dirt. Hope your love life's not similarly buried.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) August 14, 2012
West Nile came back:
There are mosquitoes testing positive for West Nile virus. Maybe safer to stay indoors having sex, no?
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) August 15, 2012
Prince Harry experienced a nude pics scandal:
Prince Harry got naked w/ bunch of women. What r odds they had sex? What r odds it was safe sex? How safe are crown jewels?
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) August 22, 2012
Dead fish turned up in Lake Erie:
10000 dead fish wash up on Lake Erie shore goo.gl/NNjk1 Don't be dead fish in bed or your relationship may wash out.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) September 5, 2012
A superstorm brewed:
Hurricanes Leslie & Michael look like they might run into each other. Wouldn't want to get caught in hurricane orgasm.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) September 6, 2012
FEMA prepared us for a zombie attack:
FEMA tells us how to prepare for zombie attack. All I ask is that you prepare for an attack of lust with a condom.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) September 9, 2012
Britney Spears joined X Factor:
Is Simon Cowell going to make mincemeat of Britney? My only advice to her: wear panties.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) September 12, 2012
The soft drink debate heated up:
Should big sodas be banned? All I can say to guys is: big bellies = smaller penis so ur choice, Big Gulp or big equipment?
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) September 13, 2012
The iPhone was released:
If u pick up a new iPhone today try to maintain its virginity by not sexting with it.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) September 21, 2012
Looper came out:
In Looper young hero meets old self. Wonder if old self passed on any sex tips to young? Or were they too busy shooting each other?
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) September 28, 2012
A presidential debate was held:
If you disagree politically w/partner I suggest you schedule sex before debates as period of celibacy might ensue
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) October 3, 2012
Frankenweenie came out:
If u have small weenie Dr. Frankenstein can't help you. Just learn to make better use of your tongue & fingers.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) October 4, 2012
The Hulk Hogan sex tape leaked:
I haven't followed the Hulk Hogan sex tape controversy but I do find the name Bubba the Love Sponge interesting
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) October 16, 2012
I wonder how many people will go to Halloween parties this year dressed as Bubba the Love Sponge via adapted Spongebob costume?
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) October 16, 2012
One actor's name is Moon Bloodgood. As far as weird names go, I like Bubba the Love Sponge better.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) October 18, 2012
Mitt Romney said "binders full of women":
Putting woman on pedestal will get your further than putting her in a binder.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) October 17, 2012
Hurricane Sandy loomed:
Sandy is actually hurricane & nor-easter. I'm for people pairing up but when 2 storms are hooking up we're in deep water trouble.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) October 28, 2012
Hurricane Sandy hit:
Saw headline East Grinds to a Halt. That word grind make you think of anything you could do not be halted?
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) October 29, 2012
Channing Tatum was named Sexiest Man Alive:
Because Channing Tatum gives his wife massages I agree he's a very sexy man. Sexiest? To each her/his own.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) November 14, 2012
The Mars Rover made a discovery:
Seems Martian Rover made huge discovery. My guess? Used condom.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) November 21, 2012
Doomsday loomed:
Only 1 mo til Mayan Doomsday. If there were any kama sutra positions you'd always been meaning to try...
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) November 21, 2012
The fungus in your cheese had weird sex:
The fungus in your cheese is having weird sex goo.gl/PPaEs
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) December 11, 2012
The Newtown Massacre:
Another school shooting today. Sad. Over 100K people shot a yr in US. Wonder how many shooters are sexually frustrated.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) December 14, 2012
If you own a gun I suggest you have sex regularly. Hope you have your plans for this weekend!
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) December 14, 2012
I'm a trained sniper as well as a sex therapist so listen to what I have to say, frustrated people & guns don't mix well.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) December 14, 2012
The world didn't end:
Maybe tom'w won't be end of world but tonite make love as if it might be. You will be rewarded.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) December 20, 2012
[Image via Getty]
