Want to live longer? Pathetic. Your slavish determination to cling to mortality at all costs marks you as a weak and sickening little character. Anyhow—have we got a long life secret for YOU! Stank breath.

Haha, but seriously folks, let's talk science. Rotten eggs: who likes them? You do? That's crazy. Let's just set you aside as an outlier. Nobody likes rotten eggs, folks—until now. Because that rotten smell? That's hydrogen sulfide, and that's the smell of sweet, sweet longevity, provided it is taken in the correct dosage, because otherwise it's the stench of death.

Colorless and flammable, hydrogen sulfide was used briefly in warfare during the First World War as a chemical weapon. Over a certain threshold, it's toxic, Rouse said, "but below that, there are certain health benefits."

This ain't one of those fly-by-night infomercials that promise you the world and deliver you nothing but the grave, folks. It's all right here in this Bloomberg story, about how medical researchers around the world are studying all of the amazing life-prolonging aspects of hydrogen sulfide. It's not just a chemical weapon—it's the new wonder drug, for old people. Old people will take literally anything to stave off their all-consuming fear of death.

And how do you get these hydrogen sulfides, until they perfect them in expensive pill form? "Diets rich in onions, garlic and other Allium plants." So load up on onions, garlic, and rotten eggs, and watch your life extend—because no lady will marry you, what with the bad breath, and that'll save you a lifetime of nagging, I bet that's what the benefits really come from, no nagging from a wife! But seriously folks, we're joking around a bit. I'm sure there's a gal out there for you no matter what you like to eat. This is all still in the research phase.

Death's unbidden arrival is the only thing that can be counted upon.

[Bloomberg. Photo: avpiedra/ Flickr]