“Clams are just clams. Not people.” That’s what they all say. But one clam will prove them all wrong—with the help of a few essential items.

1. Rascal scooter. Locomotion? Yeah—I got that.

2. Mannequin. A vaguely human form atop which I may perch? Yeah—I got that.

3. Full wetsuit. An insulated covering to conceal my lack of a full body? Yeah—I got that.

4. High stilts. Legs, or something like them in a rudimentary way? Yeah—I got that.

5. Voice amplifier. A chance to let my tiny clam voice roar across the firmament at last? Yeah—I got that.

[Photo by Nick Stango]