Barack Hussein Obama II is 54 years young today. You are probably wondering (aloud to a stranger on the street at this very moment): What should I send Obama for his birthday? I’m glad you asked.

Here, a list of gifts to send President Obama:

  • A bottle of Johnnie Walker Black
  • A vaporizer
  • A copy of Between the World and Me
  • Advil (liquid-gels)
  • A signed Michael Jordan Bulls jersey
  • A gift certificate to Bonobos for new jeans
  • A more cooperative Senate
  • A copy of When Your Kid Goes to College: A Parents’ Survival Guide
  • A karaoke machine
  • A painting that you painted
  • A copy of Al Green’s Testify: The Best of the A&M Years
  • A John Boehner voodoo doll
  • A new pair of Stacy Adams
  • This
  • A subscription to TIDAL
  • More whiskey
  • An American Flag do-rag
  • A bag of peanut M&Ms
  • A Patti LaBelle cookbook
  • Taylor Swift tickets—GOOD ones!
  • A gift certificate to a spa in DC
  • A list of things you like about him very much
  • This, too
  • A weekend subscription to the New York Times
  • A little suit, too small for him to wear but cute
  • A pack of Newports
  • A framed photo of Joe Biden
  • Real Joe Biden standing really still in a big frame, like he’s a picture, and then he shouts “SURPRISE!”

All presents should be mailed to:

President Barack Obama
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington, DC 20500

[Image via Getty]