On Thursday, Page Six published a tour de force Domesday book of outrageous Kimye wedding minutiae that, while not exactly in keeping with the party line regarding Kardashian-West nuptial coverage, makes up for it by being a black diamond custom-cut marble trove of previously unreported fantastical details. From its tragic revelation of the fate of an army of broken, headless nude statues, to its breezy dismissal of a pitifully dehydrated Andrea Bocelli, it reads like fan fiction written in tears at the Versace mansion while mainlining liquid gold.

Read it in its entirety before bed, so that you can have incredible dreams.

Until then, here are the 11 most important lines:

11

It also turned out the lights in the bathrooms, so the giant gold toilet was dark inside, and everyone was too afraid to plug the lights back in.

10

Instead of place cards, they had a team of Italian stone masons engrave the name of each guest into the marble of the tabletop in front of the individual place settings.

9

Yes, you read that correctly, a marble piano.

8

Will Smith's son Jaden wore a white Batman costume and ran around like a chicken with its head cut off from 8:30pm until 10:25pm, batting glasses off the tables whenever he came to an empty seat, smashing them on the ground.

7

Vogue Italia's editor in chief Franca Sozzani was getting irritated because he kept coming up behind her and throwing his cape over her head.

6

The drunk woman spent the rest of the night passed out on the ottoman while the Bieber fan was taken to the hospital.

5

According to one Italian, "Their toilet was the star of the show."

4

Bye bye to one of the greatest living Italian vocalists of all time.

3

[Kanye] said that "You Italians don't understand my Minimalist style."

2

[Kim] was furious that a beam of light had hit her crotch (even though she was the one who walked into the beam), and started screaming, ran over to the electrical boards, and unplugged the entire circuit.

1

Kanye then gave a 45 minute toast to himself.

As a bonus, this anecdote about Kanye sawing and screaming, which must be presented in its entirety:

Kanye returned one hour before the wedding and didn't like the all-white bar that was in front of the Gold Toilet Tower. He took a saw, and started sawing it in half himself. Two men held the bar stable as he sawed, and sawed, into the bar, defacing the entire front, screaming at everyone around him. He said it looked like a bar from Texas. Then he ordered two pieces of raw wood to be nailed onto the front of the bar. Once the wood was in place, "Now," he said, "It's art."

So's this. Read it. Read it.

[Image via Getty]