Of all the details assaulting the reader's senses in Page Six's factual report and/or work of dystopian literature about Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's wedding—the giant golden toilet, the marble piano—perhaps the most unabashedly Kanye was Mr. West's alleged 45-minute "toast to himself."

Kanye West's wife and sister-in-law uploaded new snapshots from the Kardashian-West Golden Toilet Ball to Instagram Wednesday, and not since the episode where Kim lost her earring in the ocean have so many Kardashians looked so unhappy in the same place.

On Thursday, Page Six published a tour de force Domesday book of outrageous Kimye wedding minutiae that, while not exactly in keeping with the party line regarding Kardashian-West nuptial coverage, makes up for it by being a black diamond custom-cut marble trove of previously unreported fantastical details. From its tragic revelation of the fate of an army of broken, headless nude statues, to its breezy dismissal of a pitifully dehydrated Andrea Bocelli, it reads like fan fiction written in tears at the Versace mansion while mainlining liquid gold.

It was rumored that Lana Del Rey was paid almost $3 million to perform a three-song set at the Palace of Versailles on Friday at a pre-wedding party for Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. However, she shot down that figure recently to a TMZ pap. She says she was paid nothing to sing at the event because, "I would never let a friend pay me to sing at a wedding."

America's new sweetheart Rob Kardashian walked out on the Kimye wedding this weekend after he reportedly realized that his family is truly awful.

Us Weekly reports that while the rest of us endlessly refresh our news feeds on this spring afternoon, hoping (for a reason we haven't spent enough time trying to understand) to get a glimpse of Kim and Kanye in their wedding clothes, Beyoncé and Jay Z are in the Hamptons, simply enjoying their life. SNUBBED!

America's Charles and Camilla, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, are expected to marry this Saturday in Florence, Italy where, two years ago, their daughter North was conceived as they performed unspeakable acts upon each other in the shadow of van der Weyden's "Lamentation of Christ." A spokesperson for the mayor's office told the Associated Press the couple paid $410,000 to rent out a 16th century fortification called the Forte di Belvedere. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, an insider revealed to Us Weekly that the wedding will be "like a princess fairytale day."