Bad Wasteful Coffee Machine for Lazy People No Longer Popular
Sales of Keurig push-button coffee makers plunged last quarter, and the company’s stock price is plunging too. Is the “bad coffee at high prices plus wanton waste generation” formula breaking down? Or what?
Keurig’s business model has traditionally been to offer consumers convenience (a cup of coffee with the push of a single button) in exchange for them paying $50 per pound to drink coffee that tastes like socks and produces enough needless plastic garbage to recreate the Great Pacific garbage patch. This formula has made the company a good investment for years, thanks to the sloth and poor taste of its wastrel target audience (Americans). Now, though, it appears that the fun may be over—the new “Keurig 2.0” model is a flop. Have Americans finally reached the conclusion that their affinity for this one-touch shit coffee was all a terrible mistake? Kind of. People are reportedly mostly mad that the company’s new machine made it impossible to use the refillable K-Cups that allowed them to forgo the waste and the ridiculous price-per-pound, and perhaps even to have coffee that was slightly better than the usual sour and tepid Keurig brew. Coffee that tasted only like clean laundry water, rather than socks. You may be amused to learn that the reason the company offered for this blatant cash grab remodel of their new machines read in part, “the brewer has no way of determining what beverage is being used or how much coffee is being added, and therefore cannot adjust to factors such as brew strength and amount of water, which could represent a safety concern.”
Now the company’s sales are so horrible they will be bringing back the load-your-own-K-Cup compatibility, which—as a move that could cut into profitable sales of their own K-Cups—is an indicator of true corporate desperation. This company is fighting for its miserable life. And it will even allow you, the lazy American with poor taste, to use your own god damn coffee in its little machine, if that is what it takes.
Alternatively just use a coffee pot like a normal person, you fools.
