Adele Is Wrong

Hello, it's me. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet ... to go over ... everything. From season one of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, to season 11 of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Yes, as you’ve gleaned from that pitch-perfect Adele “Hello” parody, Adele has broken her silence about whether or not she indulges in any of Bravo’s Real Housewives franchises. The singer talked about the revolutionary television phenomenon while getting her makeup done Thursday in a video for the YouTube channel “NikkieTutorials.”

“I know a lot of people love it,” Adele says, and you can imagine us eagerly cupping our ear to the computer to better hear what she says next — yes .... yes??? “But I can’t. My brain will die, I can’t.”

Excuse me?

“I don’t know who any of them are,” she continues, “so I don’t feel like I can start from the beginning when it’s been on for so long.”

Excuse me?

“One time I did watch one episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey when they were all like literally killing each other, but it was too much, I was like I can’t, I can’t watch,” she said, adding that she would “rather watch a wildlife program.”

Excuse me?

Okay, yes — the Housewives series can be a little tough to break into when you’re not already conditioned to the screaming. It’s a bit nauseating at first. You will have nightmares. Screeching women will visit you in your dreams, and you will grind your teeth and wake up feeling exhausted and sick. You will watch hours of fights over simple misunderstandings that could easily be resolved if only one of the women involved would stop yelling. It will be hard at first, and then it will be hard to stop. You will watch the women scream deep into the night. You will think — just one more episode; I have to see what happens with Shannon. You will watch seven more episodes. The next morning, again, you will feel bleary-eyed and sick. The sickness will only be remedied by, yes: more Housewives. You will watch every season of The Real Housewives of New York. You will watch every season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. You will watch every season of The Real Housewives of OC. In a week, you will finish every season of The Real Housewives of Potomac. This is now your life. 40 percent work, 40 percent Housewives, 20 percent restless sleep. Eventually the nights will get easier. “I’m so glad there is so much to consume,” you’ll think, and you’ll mean it. You will feel actual happiness. Until you run out. You will eventually consume every series. “I guess I’ll watch Vanderpump Rules,” you’ll think. And you will. “I guess I’ll watch Below Deck,” you’ll think. And you will. You will have spent what seems like cumulative years of your life watching Bravo, but it will only take a few months. You will marvel at how time can stretch and shrink at your will. You are a god now, and your kingdom lies in the tacky houses of the purportedly elite. This is your life. And it is ending one fight about “who gets the best room in the vacation house” at a time.

The good news is, though, that if you pay for the ad-free version of Hulu marathoning the show is extremely easy. Consider that tip my conciliatory gift to Adele.

Hello?