Caffeine-Free Diet Coke Is for Psychos

Anyone familiar with the stable of Coca-Cola sodas knows that there is a hierarchy to how satisfying each product is. At the top of the pyramid is full-strength Coke from a fountain, specifically one located in a McDonald’s. Following that is Diet Coke, either from the aforementioned McDonald’s fountain or in a freezing cold can. Towards the bottom of this list are two-liter bottles of any Coke product, all of the weird Diet Coke flavors (except lime), and the scary zero-sugar Coke energy drinks. Then there are several tiers of shit, maggots, and scum. And finally, at the absolute bottom, there’s caffeine-free Diet Coke.

Caffeine-free Diet Coke is what helicopter parents give their children when they think Sprite is too sugary and LaCroix is too spicy. It is for old people who eat dinner at 4 p.m. and barely tip their server. It is for boomers who claim that caffeine after noon will wreck their delicate digestive systems, but will still crush three to five Sam Adams lagers on a Monday. It is what your loser uncle-by-marriage brings to Easter and leaves in the garage fridge, never to be touched again until your parents downsize to a condo in your suburb’s “downtown” district and have to throw it away. Ultimately, it is for freaks and losers, so it’s no surprise that Elon Musk apparently can’t get enough of the stuff.

This is not the bedside table of a man who is doing 100 percent awesome in the brain. Even without the multiple guns in frame, this snapshot of his bedside table would still be a cry for help. This man, this so-called “alpha” who now owns all of our asses, is crushing four caffeine-free Diet Cokes (and many more before that, per the rings on the coaster-less table) and wants us to think he is the greatest mind since Aristotle? Give me a break.

Caffeine-free Diet Coke is one of the most beta beverages I can think of, second only to Mountain Dew Code Red. It has none of the benefits of a regular Diet Coke (i.e., a little boost without making your taste buds feel like they are coated in molasses) or a regular Coke (tastes good, somehow helps with a migraine). It is a waste of carbonation, aspartame, and caramel color. It somehow goes flat more quickly than its siblings. It doesn’t even look good — in an attempt to play off of the iconic silver of a Diet Coke can, the Coca-Cola bigwigs in Atlanta went for a muted gold color that invokes ginger ale more than anything else.

Musk has revealed himself to be a huge loser many times before this (bringing a sink to Twitter headquarters, setting Tesla share prices to $420, allegedly getting a hair transplant instead of going bald with dignity), but voluntarily sharing this disgusting information takes the cake. Billionaires never have good taste, but at least have the dignity to conceal the fact that that extends to your actual taste buds. If you’re going to be one of the richest men alive, why are you drinking from the can in the first place? Get a fountain installed in your house like a normal freak. For just a few thousand bucks, you could even have a Freestyle machine.

Realistically speaking, though, Musk and caffeine-free Diet Coke are a match made in heaven: Two total dweebs teaming up to maximize their joint flop. If you are an avid CFDC drinker and I have offended you: grow up. Either drink a real Diet Coke like an adult, or switch to seltzer. People love to harp on those of us who love Diet Coke for consuming too much aspartame. They say we’ll get butt cancer or whatever the threat is. I suggest those people turn their ire to the CFDC people, who are chugging aspartame just for kicks. Now that is disgusting.