Famous People Shouldn’t Jump Off Boats

We are entering celebrity yacht season, a special time when any famous person worth their Instagram following finds themselves on a huge boat someplace where the water is a sparkling turquoise color. On a hot summer day on the Amalfi Coast, what sounds better than jumping off the stern of a yacht into the ocean? Here’s my tip: If you’re a famous person, don’t do it. You’re going to look like a fool.

This is one of the few arenas in which us regulars hold the upper hand. If you or I want to jump off our friend’s boyfriend’s family sailboat, we can do that without the threat of someone selling the photos to Just Jared. When we look stupid jumping off a boat, we can simply say, “Oh my god, please delete that, I look crazy.” Celebrities do not have this luxury.

While celebrating their third wedding in Italy, Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker jumped off a yacht while still clothed. How fun! How carefree! Unfortunately for them, gravity is the great equalizer, by which I mean: Even those whose “job” it is to look hot and glamorous cannot avoid looking like a full-on Sim when hurtling through the air (click through this slideshow for the full effect).

This is not just a Kravis issue. Beyoncé and Jay-Z love to jump off a yacht, and they always look nuts doing it.

Eco-warrior Leonardo DiCaprio loves to hang out on a yacht despite their massive carbon footprints, and he too looks like a fool while jumping off of them. Here’s him looking stupid on a yacht in Ibiza while Tobey Maguire looks on.

Or just look at this photo of Kate Moss plugging her nose as she jumps into the gorgeous St. Tropez waters.

Brad Pitt and Matt Damon? They also looked like goofs while jumping off a yacht in France 18 years ago.

In a world of staged pap walks, FaceTune, and personal paparazzi, a yacht jumping photo is one of the only ways to catch a celeb being a real person. They look scared or excited or both as they brace themselves to hit the water. Frozen in time, captured at that moment of extreme vulnerability hovering over the water is never not funny, they suddenly look human — and really dumb (but what is the difference?).

Putting on my publicist hat for a moment, I would advise any celeb who is thinking of jumping off a yacht within 30 miles of a photographer (telephoto lenses can see far these days) to just cut it out. Slide into the water from the deck, or better yet, use the ladder. Your single second of free-falling joy is not worth these stupid paparazzi photos, which last forever.