How Long Could I Live in Gwyneth's Spa Before She Noticed Me
There's only one way to find out.
Smile quietly to yourself for the first eleven minutes of Gwyneth Paltrow’s guided tour of her Montecito home in her just-released episode of Architectural Digest’s “Open Door” series (the same one that gave us Dakota Johnson’s fraudulent limes).
Gwyneth drawls and uptalks and giggles and trails off in a way that’s always lulled me into complacency (politically speaking) as I stick a whole jade egg up in me, or whatever she asks me to do. The house feels the same way. It’s a lot of gray and greige and beige and white, quite beautiful, but nothing too stand-out. She loves her dutch ovens, her friend Bridget bought her those chairs, and the black and white tiling in the entry-way reminds her of her time in London, though to me they’re more reminiscent of Kris Jenner’s former kitchen aesthetic.
I am getting sleepy, so very sleepy, even without the aid of my Goop-branded powders and tinctures for rest. You are too. But can you make it through the end? Can you at least make it to 10:46 into the video, when Gwyn shows off the room in her house she calls “a bit of a spa?” inspired by one of her favorite Parisian spots Les Bains du Marais?
“You know, I’m into wellness, so I feel like it’s justified, right? I mean, yeah, well, maybe I can write it off as a business expense, then?” Gwyn says.
She has a cold plunge pool, a hot tub, a sauna, and a steam room. I’d like to die here, by Gwyneth’s hand, drowned beneath her $20,000 Roman and Williams for Waterworks RW Atlas thermostatic handshower.
