Jordan Peterson Has a Message for Muslims

Jordan Peterson’s work is not for me. First of all, I think 12 rules is too many to remember, and most crucially, I am not an incel. But I have now been confronted by some Peterson material made specifically for me. Specifically, his most recent Youtube post, titled, “Message to Muslims.” It’s an honor.

We open on Peterson sitting in what appears to be a cabin with logs of chopped wood behind him, which makes it hard for me to imagine I didn’t just wake up after blacking out and being kidnapped. My eyes slowly open to him saying, “Hi all.”

You must be wondering why he’s addressing Muslims, as was I. What could he possibly want from me? Turns out, it’s because “many sources” have informed him that he has developed an audience in the “Muslim world,” which I guess I am part of. He is pleased and honored that he has a Muslim audience, and he’s really especially pleased about the Abraham Accords. But, this message is not about the Abraham Accords, it’s a message to us Muslims in the Muslim world to STOP fighting.

Peterson begins his message by saying, “It is time for those of you in the Muslim world to stop fighting amongst yourselves.” So far, so good. Thank you for speaking out, first of all. He then follows up by saying, “You Shiites and Sunnis!” In a way that makes both words sound so much like slurs that it took me a moment to realize he didn’t actually say one.

Quickly it becomes clear that Peterson thinks we Muslims are actually dumbass animals. Luckily he has some suggestions for us to GET with the program: “And also time to stop regarding the Christians and more specifically the Jews as your enemies.” Gee, that had never occurred to me until now. Please Doctor, tell us more:

“Why? Not least because you have the enemy located in the wrong place. First, the best place to find Satan, let’s say, is within you. If you think the true enemy is someone else’s heart then you haven’t thought long enough.”

Wow, is that where Satan is? I have been looking all over. He then says something I am certain I have heard a street preacher scream at a busy intersection:

“First we must take the idea that the satanic impulse within is the prime enemy, with all due seriousness. Second, we must understand that even those quite possessed by the spirit of Cain that attracts and drives confused and lost people to the luciferian ideologies of the materialist utopians are in the ideal fully redeemable and only partially consumed.”

Girl, what? Don’t worry if that was too intellectually dense — after this rant he goes right back to being condescending to the nearly 2 billion Muslims around the world and comes up with a solution to sectarian violence not a single person has ever thought of: “Reach across the divide.” But more specifically, why don’t we do a whole penpal thing? And once Sunnis and Shiites are done writing letters to one another, Peterson has more instructions. “Reach out to a Christian or even, heaven forbid, a Jew.” Luckily for me, I have group chats with both Christians and Jews — I am far ahead of him.

But wait, I know what you’re thinking now. Is there some type of way Muslims can connect with members of other sects? Peterson is also wondering. “Is there someone in the Muslim world willing to build an electronic system to bring people from the Sunni and Shiite community together?” He asks. God, if only there was a way for people with opposing beliefs to talk with one another online.

This is a lot, I know. But if you have any ideas on how to get this up and running, Peterson wants you to get in touch because he will publicize it. Muslims, let’s get to work!