The King’s Mitts Have Been Rubbed Red, Raw

Is 73-year-old King Charles sick already? No doubt the answer is yes, due to inbreeding, but if your concern lies with his sickly hands — well, I’m not so sure. Numerous outlets have reached out to doctors over the years asking about the King’s famous “sausage fingers,” only to be repeatedly given answers that more or less amount to: I cannot diagnose a royal based on photographs of his sausage fingers alone. And now there’s something else happening with his fingers:

They’re red.

AHHH! The doctors over at the New York Post attribute the raw redness of the King’s bechafed fingies to hours and hours of meet-and-greets and likely diligent use of hand sanitizer. As one of the many doctors at Gawker, I agree with this diagnosis. He’s chapped, sanitized, and selfless, honey, and that’s why he’s our big daddy king.

In honor of his raw digits, we’ve rubbed together a poem for King Charles in the style of Princess Beatrice's brother-in-law’s poem honoring the Queen post-death. Please join us now in reading.

FOR KING

Thank you for fingers, so plump and so fresh

Thank you for fingers, that ragged red flesh

Thank you for fingers, those sausagey tubes

Thank you for fingers, and thank you for boobs

Thank you for being the new post-Queen King

Thank you for being, for gaffes, a wellspring

Thank you for being a plump sausage hand

Thank you for being King of Englandland

Thank you for doing whatever you do

Thank you for doing your hands ‘til they’re blue

Thank you for doing well actually they’re red

Thank you for doing but you understand

Thank you for shaking every person’s hand

Thank you for shaking all across the land

Thank you for shaking til you got so gross

Thank you for shaking — no, don’t get too close!

Thank you for showing us all that we know

Thank you for showing us that we can grow

Thank you for showing your grace and your wits

Thank you for showing your raw filthy mitts

Thank you.