Kate Middleton Grabs William's Bum in New Royal Portrait?

Hear ye, hear ye — the royal family has released a new freaky portrait. It was taken at Buckingham Palace the night before Queen Elizabeth's funeral, and it’s making headlines for its filthy and sexual nature.

“Kate Middleton and Prince William Shared a Subtle PDA Moment in a New Royal Portrait,” says InStyle. “A new portrait of King Charles, Camilla, William, and Kate Middleton contains rare royal PDA,’ says Yahoo News. “Prince William and Kate Middleton Share Rare PDA Moment in New Royal Portrait,” says Glamour. Disgusting. I’ll let Just Jared explain:

“The photo is getting attention because of the subtle PDA that is being displayed. Both sets of couples are seen showing some slight displays of affection. While royals are not banned from showing PDA, there’s an unwritten rule that they should keep some distance while performing official duties.”

Obviously I hate to share pornography while you’re enjoying your breakfast, but we must “keep calm and carry on,” as they say, with lust in their voices. It’s time to face the facts. I’ve identified several areas in the portrait that are cause for concern:

1. Naughty, devious grin; one which could manifest on a face for no reason other than the feeling of joy attained by publicly partaking in illicit filth.
2. Unseen hand honking Prince William’s fat butt.
3. Hands strategically placed for a reason I do not think I need to embarrass us both by stating plainly (covering boner).
4. Raw sausage fingers, pocket hockey.
5. Unseen hand honking King Charles’s fat butt.
6. Naughty, devious grin; one which could manifest on a face for no reason other than the feeling of joy attained by publicly partaking in illicit filth.

My word. This is the new regime? Disrespectful. I am absolutely gagging.