Sylvester Stallone’s Wife Is a Dog Now

Sylvester Stallone’s wife is a dog now. It’s sort of my dream. I say to my dog every day, “Please, please would you marry me. I’ll take care of you and kiss you and love you forever,” and of course I’ll take care of him and kiss him and love him forever regardless, plus he’s my prisoner, so what’s he gonna do. But still, it would be nice to make things official — just as Sylvester Stallone has with his dog wife.

Yes, according to the Daily Mail and our own truth-telling eyes, Sylvester Stallone has covered up the large upper arm tattoo that used to depict his wife’s face with a large upper arm tattoo of his dearly departed dog Butkus’s face, making them legally wed. Butkus, a bullmastiff, was also Stallone’s co-star in both Rocky and Rocky II. He left us in 1981.

In other news that has absolutely nothing to do with any of this, Sylvester Stallone’s human wife of 25 years, Jennifer Flavin, has filed for separation. This apparently came as a shock to Stallone, who received the filing (which claims he “has engaged in the intentional dissipation, depletion and/or waste of marital assets”) while on set in Oklahoma City. I hope it doesn’t come as too much of a shock for you, though; I know it’s early.

News of the couple’s imminent divorce broke on Wednesday, but Stallone’s publicist Michelle Bega denied the tattoo switchup’s deeper meaning as recently as Monday. "Mr. Stallone intended to refresh the tattoo image of his wife Jennifer; however, the results were unsatisfactory and, unfortunately, unfixable," Bega told the Daily Mail. “As a result, he had to cover the original image with a tattoo of his dog from Rocky, Butkus.”

On top of this is a rumor from TMZ that Flavin initiated the divorce after fighting with Stallone about acquiring another dog. According to their report, which Stallone has since denied, Flavin disagreed with Stallone’s desire to add a Rottweiler to their family. He did anyway, which they claimed functioned as sort of the “paw” that broke the “Flavin’s” back. Again, Stallone says nah-uh. "We did not end the relationship on such a trivial argument,” he told the outlet.

My take on all of this? Hollywood is a dog-eat-dog world. One day you’re top dog, next day you’re in the dog house, dog tired from barking up the wrong tree. But it’s probably best not to act like a dog with a bone about such matters, and to instead let sleeping dogs lie. We’ve been working like a dog anyway, which is particularly difficult during these dog days of summer. I’m feeling pretty ruff, myself. Arooo.