Talk to Me When a Man Wears a Mini-Skirt

Gender is over, and men have finally been liberated from the tyranny of the slim-fitting suit. You heard it here fourth, hot guys are wearing skirts all over the place, and boy are they loving it. The only problem is that a straight man, even with the help of a stylist, does not understand what makes a skirt look good, so he always ends up looking like someone’s peasant nona from the old country.

Take Brad Pitt, for example. He is racking up headlines for daring to wear a shin-length skirt to the Berlin premiere of Bullet Train. Noted fashion publication CNN called it their “look of the week.” Get those eyes checked, honey.

“It's all about the breeze, the breeze is very nice,” Pitt said of his frumpy little brown number.

Here is my suggestion for famous men looking to spice up their sartorial choices without looking matronly: wear a mini-skirt.

You want to feel that breeze? I promise that you will when your skirt is short enough that bending over puts you at threat of a public indecency charge.

Oscar Isaac is one of the Hollywood men who have taken to skirts lately, mostly from famous skirts-for-men designer Thom Browne. Above is a picture of him in one of Browne’s skirt suits, and I hate to say this, but he looks like Headmistress Trunchbull. Imagine if we remove the jacket and hike that hem line up to mid-thigh. Suddenly, he would cut a shape that wasn’t rectangular. And I know Thom Browne can make a shorter skirt because I’ve seen Lee Pace look hot in one. But we can always go shorter.

I assume that these guys are all wearing midi skirts because it is a safe, easy, and comfortable way to play with fashion. They get a fawning headline about abolishing gender stereotypes or whatever and no one points out that they don’t actually look good. A real risk — like a mini-skirt — would put them too close to femininity, so they’re perfectly content to don what is essentially the same kilt Scottish men have been wearing for centuries. Snooze!

Would you look at that? Lil Nas X looks incredible in a mini-skirt. We’re getting waist, we’re getting leg, we’re getting a fun and flirty vibe. It’s cute. More importantly, it’s really cool. This is how you take a fashion risk. I would even accept it in that classic Thom Browne shade of gray.

For the time being, I am begging you all to not applaud famous men for wearing “women’s clothes” that make them look ugly. We all have better things to do with our time. But do know that I will be cheering from the rafters if Chris Evans is ever man enough to wear the Miu Miu micro-mini.