The Queen Is Alive but Might Have Rigor Mortis

According to Reuters, while greeting some Redcoat types at Windsor Castle today, the Queen entered a room by announcing, “Oh, I am here” while chuckling and supporting herself with that loveable stick she’s been using as arm candy lately. Then, when asked how she was, the Queen said, “Well, as you can see, I can’t move,” shuffling about. Reuters claimed she “quipped” this sentiment about her monarchical paralysis, but I’m not so sure — I don’t think Brits are particularly funny, except Ricky Gervais when he’s doing his tight 120 on the non-existence of god.

So the Queen “can’t move” but is also “here”? My theory is that it’s entirely possible that she has rigor mortis, or the stiffening of the joints after a body expires. Rigor mortis typically lasts for one to four days after a soul departs to that great white Albion in the sky where corgis roam free among wild horses, foxes, and her lecherous son’s teddies. This leaves the Queen plenty of time to make more headlines about the things that matter to her most: her stick, her jubbly, and her adorable grandchildren.

What a blessing for the Queen to keep ramrod straight (no other option) and carry on, despite being dead.