Tom Brady Only Cheats at Football
Adultery is one thing Gisele doesn't have to worry about
Paging Dr. Duh. Paging Dr. Duh. We have a major situation in the Duh Factory that requires your immediate attention. To repeat, we have a major situation in the Duh Factory that requires your immediate attention. Please report to your Duh Station immediately and strap in for Duh Launch. This is a Code Red Duh Alert and once again we are paging Dr. Duh. Thank you.
Sorry — that announcement was for Dr. Duh. There’s a major situation regarding the imminent divorce of Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen that requires her immediate attention. (Bet you thought Dr. Duh was a man, didn’t you? Tsk, tsk.) I’ll explain what’s happening while my colleagues take over the remaining aspects of Duh protocol.
As you know, Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen are going to get a divorce any day now. The reason behind the divorce is that Tom Brady is addicted to football in a deviant, almost sexual way and is obsessed with turning his brains into jam so that he might spread it on football-shaped toast and have an “egg sandwich” (he thinks brain is called egg; doesn’t understand that sandwich needs top bread as well). His wife Gisele would rather he not, and instead keep his brain in non-jam form — or as non-jam as it could be at this point — at least until their children enter college. Therein lie the irreconcilable differences that will lead to their separation before the end of this football season.
Duh protocol was initiated after a source recently spoke with Page Six about the couple’s marital woes. “Tom and Gisele have recently struggled to make their marriage work and have grown apart,” the source said. Already the Duh bells are ringing, but this bit of news sent us over the edge: “There is absolutely no accusation of cheating on either side.”
Yeah, we know. Or to put it more accurately: we don’t care. Nobody was wondering if there were accusations of cheating on “either” (lol) side. Our interest is not even piqued now that you brought it up. That’s not the storyline we’re following. We’re doing the football one. And — okay. Okay. I’m getting word that Dr. Duh has reached the launch pad. We are prepared for Duh takeoff.
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Duh.
May Duh God be with Dr. Duh’s wretched soul.
