Zooey Deschanel and Property Boyfriend to Make Jill Biden Barf on Christmas

Jill Biden sits in a chair. The room is empty save for Zooey Deschanel, who stands before her singing “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” in an old-timey voice. Zooey’s Property Brother stands in the doorway — he was warned not to enter. This is Zooey’s time. Every so often Jill attempts to join in singing and Zooey shushes her, no. This is Zooey’s time.

Yes, you heard it here first — Zooey Deschanel and that weird guy she’s always being gross about are hosting a White House Christmas special with Jill Biden. And I know what you’re thinking — damn, how’d the White House manage to bag these two? And I’m pleased to exclusively be able to reveal that the answer is: Christmas magic (and dark magic).

The news was announced today, just shortly after Joe Biden announced that Brittney Griner was on her way back to the United States after spending 10 months in a Russian prison. So. It seems like both Bidens will have a little something to celebrate tonight, hm?

This year’s White House holiday theme is “We the People.” Not particularly inventive, but it is at least perfect for Zooey Deschanel and the Property Brother, as they certainly are two of the people. And speaking of people, according to People, the White House’s decorations consist of: 77 Christmas trees, 300 candles, 12,000 ornaments, 1,600 bells, approximately 14,865 feet of ribbon, more than 83,615 holiday lights, and one punk rockin’ utility belt:

Oh hell yeah, brother.

As Zooey begins her third round of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” Jill Biden yawns. Zooey stops. “I’m sorry — am I boring you?” she asks, but she’s not sorry. “Oh, no, no, Zooey,” Jill says. “No, no, no, no, no, I love this, no, no, no.” Zooey motions for her Property Brother to enter the room. “No, no, no, no,” Jill says; she can’t stop the words from tumbling out of her mouth as Zooey and her boyfriend embrace. “Well, maybe you’ll like this better,” Zooey says. They deep tongue kiss and move their hands around each other’s bodies with abandon. Jill Biden sits, unable to move. She doesn’t like this better. She doesn’t like this better at all.