12 Days of Gift Guides: Gifts for People Who Have Disappointed Us

In my opinion, one of life’s cardinal rules is to keep your expectations so low that you’ll never be disappointed. This tenet has served me well over the years, but there are inevitably exceptions that make it past the barrier of suppressed emotion. Whether they’re a favorite artist whose latest release flopped, a close personal friend revealed to be an asshole, or a politician you once naively believed in (lol), the world is filled with people who fail to live up to whatever image — however distorted — you had built up in your head.

So here are some people who disappointed “us” this year — with “us” referring alternately to me, my coworkers, the public at large, or some guy somewhere probably — and some suggestions for gifts that they could probably use:

For Meghan and Harry

LinkedIn Premium so they can get real jobs.

For Lorde

I guess people were disappointed by her new album or something? At least one of my colleagues was. I haven’t gotten around to listening to it yet, but in general, I like Lorde, so she can have a bag of frozen Red Robin onion rings (they’re really good).

For professional athletes

Aaron Rodgers… unvaxed NBA players… that guy whose departure from the Mets upset one of my coworkers… I think all of these people could use a time out.

For Simu Liu

A Weee! grocery delivery app VIP membership so he can buy his own Asian snacks instead of reposting my photo to pretend he did.

For the Cuomo brothers

I had zero expectations for them to begin with, but I know that much of the Italianx American community is devastated by the actions of the most high-profile pair of “it’s-a me” brothers since Mario and Luigi. For those heartbroken souls, here’s a ticket to House of Gucci for some authentic and respectful representation, finally.

For the casting directors of beloved animated characters who will be voiced by Chris Pratt in upcoming feature films

What Patrizia Reggiani did for her ex-husband Maurizio Gucci… just kidding, maybe a glitter bomb or some other mild inconvenience.

For John Mulaney

How could he do that to Anna Marie? How could he do that to us? The question of what a performer owes his audience is a fraught one, but it has long been said–

Psych. I do not care. He and Olivia Munn can have this expensive but chic baby carrier ($355!) that Glamour recommends to people who Google “most popular baby parent gifts.”

For people who wish for this publication to fail for no particularly good reason

A freaking life.

For myself

A luxurious robe and a jade roller because the best kind of care is “self.” I promise next year I’ll do better.

Here at Gawker we’re running 12 Days of Gift Guides. Previously: Hand-Selected Crackers for Holiday Loved Ones.