How to Dress for Spring

Every year around this time, I look into my closet and decide that I hate every article of clothing I own. How is a cosmopolitan woman like me supposed to dress to impress when she can barely dress to run a quick errand? The answer, my friends, is to seek out new forms of inspiration.

Relying on your Instagram explore page will only ensure that you look like every other person who decided to splurge on a funky Paloma Wool top. You need to broaden your horizons, and you need to do it fast. It’s almost warm outside, and you’ll be convening with your peers on an acquaintance’s rooftop before you even know it.

If you need inspiration for your inspiration, here are the people currently on my vision board:

Joni Mitchell (Present Day)

Pining for Joni’s gaunt look on the album cover for Blue is OUT. Pining for Joni’s many accessories from her recent Grammys look is IN. Leather beret, sunglasses, chunky necklace, and adult pigtails? Rot in hell, Coco Chanel.

The Muppets

The Muppets have it all figured out. They are funny, musically gifted, and have several movies under their belts. They don’t always wear clothes, but when they do, they look really good. Take, for example, this photo of Kermit and Miss Piggy at a Miu Miu party in 2017.

Kind of sexy, no?

And here’s Kermit pairing a trench coat with seersucker pants all the way back in 1981.

It’s a bold look, and he pulls it off with aplomb.

Oh you want one more? I can do that. Look at Gonzo in this fit.

I hate to say it, but he looks hot. If anyone can tell me where to get a dupe for those wool pants please hit my line.

Toddlers Who Demand to Dress Themselves

Maximalism is so hot right now. Speak with your inner child as you get dressed in the morning, and let her pick out an outfit that she wants to wear. It will probably end up being a dress you wear to weddings paired with jeans and maybe a bolero jacket. To the untrained eye, it might seem “ugly,” but if anyone confronts you on it you can just say that it is a commentary on Reagan-era excess. Whoever you’re talking to will instantly despise you and you won’t have to talk anymore.

Billionaires

Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, and Elon Musk look like shit almost all the time. If you mimic their fashion choices (hideous shirts, ill-fitting trousers) and carry yourself with an air of confidence, I’m sure you can scam your way into one of those hotels that has a rooftop pool. (Note: This only works for the fellas. I’m sorry ladies, our time will come soon enough.)

The Goth Family from The Sims

When in doubt, dress like a Goth. You have so many options to choose from. You can be a regal pervert like Mortimer, a curvy slut like Bella, a monochromatic school girl like Cassandra, or a little fancy boy like Alexander. Those are actually all the genders now, so make sure you know which one you are before your next trip to the DMV.