Ideas for Celebrating St. Patrick's Day

As the Girl Queen’s official royal biographer, I recognize and honor all of her beautiful collectible countries while also advocating for peace and brotherhood between her little pet Northern Ireland and the emancipated wild child, the sovereign Republic of Ireland. As they say, according to a web page of Irish slang I just spent two hours looking at, you must take the small potato with the big potato. I guess the craic is that I’m as Irish as the day is long, in that I’m in bed by 9:00, and I’m here to recommend some essential St. Patrick’s Day traditions for you to partake in today.

Read a Foundational Irish Text

The Catholic Bible is quite the tome, and by that I mean Sally Rooney’s Normal People. If you’re pressed for time, start by reading the Instagram comments from when Phoebe Bridgers posted photos of her boyfriend, who starred in the television adaptation of the book.

Instagram user @i8kelvin asks, “Tell me why I thought this was Mark Zubucraig 🤣”

Alternatively, you can watch the Oscar-nominated Belfast — your parents said it’s really good — or the music video for the Mary J. Blige version of U2’s “One.”

Cook a Traditional Meal

Traditional Irish soda bread French toast (or should we call it Irish toast!) is a tasty way to greet your sleepover guests James Joyce, Kenneth Branagh, and Saiorse Ronan in the morning. Whisk together egg, caffeine-free Diet Coke, and cinnamon. Dip bread (Ezekiel works best, but so could an everything bagel) in mixture and fry. Top with crumbled corned beef.

Scream “Wig!” Out the Car Window at a 7th Grade Irish Dance Girl

They wear wigs, and I think this would be really funny to do as long as you’re not being threatening about it. The world of competitive suburban Irish dance is likely homogenous, and maybe they could stand to learn a thing or two about drag culture at large.

Support Your Local Girl Gang

The Celtic Women, Ireland’s top pop soprano group, normally give me the willies with their haunted vocals, vague eyes, and Jessica McClintock dresses, but today, I am going to listen to this cover of Sting’s “Fields of Gold” until I shut my computer and indulge in some chowder and brown bread.

Do Your Research

I thought until about eight minutes ago that St. Patrick was famous because he used a wooden staff to part the Irish Sea in half so he could walk from Dublin to Liverpool without getting his wellies too sloshy, but as it turns out that was Moses from the Bible. St. Patrick, who was captured by pirates and taken to the island for chattel slavery, used a wooden staff to drive all the snakes out of Ireland forever. Except for when Taylor Swift is on tour with Ed Sheeran there — ha!

Nice work with that one, St. Stick Girl. Until next year.