My Rejected Pitches the Day Before Thanksgiving

It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and nobody seems all that interested in working. Even Gawker, a website known for its integrity, seems to be doing some pretty light lifting today. Jenny’s ranking Thanksgiving dishes? Kelly’s writing about charcuterie mansions? I think my colleagues are geniuses, but this is not exactly the most dedicated they’ve ever been to their craft.

But I suppose I’m not one to talk. I pitched like 45 ideas today and not a single one of them was accepted. They’re all good.

• Oh, suddenly everyone but me has a nephew????
• Your parents have a working printer. Print all the documents you think you’ll need for the next 365 days now.
• ‘Selling Sunset’ season 3 dropped today. It is the perfect show to watch with your family because even though everyone’s really hot, none of them have any genitals or sex appeal so you don’t have to suffer through watching kissing with your dad. Also the cardinal rule of engrossing television is “big houses are fun to look at,” and that’s something SS really excels at showcasing.
• The oral history of “Going for a walk with your cousin.” For anyone who doesn’t know about “Going for a walk with your cousin,” it’s stoner code (420 much???) for getting high outside with your cousin on Thanksgiving. I think I could find the person who coined the phrase on Facebook.
• Should you panic if you’re rummaging through your parents’ kitchen drawers and you find a pen from a hotel in Arizona, and you’re like “Wait, why didn’t you tell me you went to Arizona? What were you doing there? Was it a secret? Does Dad know about this?”
• Cootie catchers/fortune tellers are actually a ton of fun to make for your younger cousins, and they’ll probably be impressed that you know origami. If you add words like “poop” or “butt” into the fortunes, they’ll also respect you as a bit of a renegade.
• Need to get away from the family? Get your booster shot. This is a public health announcement and also an easy way to spend time alone in the dark for 24 to 48 hours without hurting anyone’s feelings.
• Hot fruit sucks! In pie form, particularly. I don’t want a sour dessert. I’m an American!
• I have no grandparents left. This time of year is hard for me. A quick but profound essay about dementia and World War II. It’ll be funny, though.
• If I got teen pregnant right now as a 30-year-old and announced it at Thanksgiving dinner, nobody would think it was a big deal, and in fact they might be like, “Well good thing she finally has something she can focus on.”
• Do NOT touch that cast iron panhandle!
• Are you more likely to die of Covid or from a mass shooting when going to see House of Gucci on Thanksgiving day? I run the numbers. I’m like Nate Silver over here.
• Fill up on bread. Conventional Thanksgiving advice is always like, “Don’t fill up on bread!” My argument is that bread is the best thing to fill up on, and that’s why it was invented in 200 B.C. or whatever.
• Holiday outfits to wear when nobody takes you seriously or values your opinion. Think: apron over a turtleneck, but you “forget” to take the apron off because you were so busy making sure everyone was comfortable and sated.
• If you want to avoid existential sadness, don’t look through a family member’s mug collection. Mug collections are tragic! And nobody ever quite washes them well enough!
• Friendsgiving is patriarchal. I’d probably also use this time to rail against the phrase “chosen family” as a white cis woman.
• Uncles get a bad rap every year, as I’ve written about. But we’re not nearly hard enough on aunts. It would be like a companion piece.

In the spirit of sharing our bounty, you are welcome to steal any of these.