Paris Fashion Week's Best Dressed

Paris Fashion Week might be winding down, but the timeless looks that the celebs in the front row and a slew of different Bella Hadid avatars donned throughout the week still have me wound the hell up. They say money can’t buy taste, but they are wrong and financially insolvent. After careful consideration, here is the definitive best dressed list in France this year.

Vanessa Hudgens

Baby V, always the shapeshifting chameleon, engaged in some proportion play with a gaping torso hole paired with the world’s fourth-or-fifth tiniest clasped purse. We’re breaking free! her boobs seem to be pleading is something I would say if I were a writer with a slightly different sensibility.

Bella Hadid (v. 1)

Yolanda’s middle child stuns in a plaid midi skirt, quarter zip, an underarm baguette, and a pair of rectangular FUBU glasses. She’s also wearing Sambas with calf-highs, which is one eighth of the official look of hot guys.

And wait, sorry. Did I hear you say you needed a close-up of the glasses?

I have a fair amount of opinions regarding Bella’s Fubu glasses paired with braids, but it isn’t my discourse to lead.

Minnie Mouse

Even her haters have to admit that Minnie turned it out in Stella McCartney.

Gigi Hadid

Yoyo’s golden girl and Quarter Zip‘s big sis (and mommy to baby Khai and ex to baby Zayn) wears a leopard skin catsuit/catcape possibly inspired by Shania Twain in the That Don’t Impress Me Much video.

But upon closer inspection, one realizes that those spots are flowers, and Gigi is an absolute genius. Nothing is quite what it seems with this former varsity volleyball player and former student of forensic psychology. Remember her kitchen cabinets? This outfit is exactly like those in the ways that matter.

Blanca Blanco

Oops, I didn’t mean to catch you off guard like that while you were peacefully reading your own memoir like that, minding your own business. I’ll leave you to it, but first I want to let you know you made my best-dressed list. I love prop comedy almost as much as I love personal branding.

Hailey Bieber

God is on her side and enmeshed in her belly jewelry. No more commentary, just faith.

Bella Hadid (v. 2)

Not many people can make a corset top with sleeves and a cowl neck work, but Bella does. It’s probably because she has no eyebrows here.

Ella Emhoff

While Momala’s off brokering peace for Ukraine, the second daughter is fighting back tears in Paris. I was so worried about her that I didn’t notice she was wearing cargo pants. Perfect for war.

Olivia Culpo

An homage to the late, great Kendall Jenner. There seems to be a theme of boobs wanting to escape below some kind of strip of fabric. What does it mean?

Bella Hadid (v. 3)

Brains and beauty! Private education is quite important to Bella 3, and she makes sure to attend a class or two at various boys preparatory schools on the road. She also just got off a Jet Ski, which is why she’s wearing wraparound glasses and has wind-blown hair.

Michaela Stark

“Artist and couturier” Michaela Stark looks at ease in the enduring refinement of a custom uni-bosomed corset, thigh high stocks, and cowboy boots, and a nipple pointing southward. Just don’t untie that ribbon from around her neck.