Let’s Discuss ‘This Is Us’: Actor Brother’s Future Wife

Which lady will Actor Brother make his wife? The question has hung in the air since we caught a glimpse of his future wife in a flash-forward to Mother’s death day, and now we know: it’s his childhood ex-wife whom he has pined over for the entire series. Oh, unless I should have added in some suspense there. In that case, Actor Brother’s future wife is … let’s see!

FIRST, MAY I ASK IF MOTHER HAS DIED?

She has not.

AND ACTOR BROTHER … HOW IS HE FARING?

Well, we’re back at the night before Sister’s wedding, if you can believe it: the scene of the crime, the crime being Actor Brother potentially sleeping with at least one of three women. Actor Brother is anxiously awaiting the arrival of his childhood ex-wife, who he believes to be at present married to another man. She arrives eventually, without her husband or her luggage (husband had work, airport lost luggage) (why you would check a bag packed only for a weekend is beyond me, but maybe in the future airlines have outlawed carry-ons as a money-making scheme), and Actor Brother takes her into town to get a dress.

While in town, he learns she and the husband have actually gotten a divorce. Actor Brother also learns that the ex-husband had a “running joke” where he’d make the TiVo fast-forward noise any time they saw him on TV. Seems weird and aggressive to keep that joke going about someone’s childhood ex for an entire marriage, so ultimately, in my opinion, their divorce was for the best, although also he was clearly right to be paranoid about Actor Brother and I would never gaslight him.

Actor Brother and his childhood ex-wife almost hook up that night, but they stop because childhood ex-wife’s shampoo is new (don’t ask). Then Actor Brother visits the hotel bar (chic), where the wedding singer — the same wedding singer fans of the show absolutely had a full meltdown over last week, thinking that she, a stranger to us, might be the one Actor Brother ends up with — gives Actor Brother a poem she wrote on a napkin about wanting to fuck him. Ha-ha ... ahh, thank you, umm, lady … and, ahh, goodnight.

On the way back to his hotel room, Actor Brother runs into Not Keri Russell, who needs her dress unzipped. They also do not have sex.

DOES ACTOR BROTHER EVENTUALLY FIND LOVE?

Yes, the next day. On the day of Sister’s wedding, Actor Brother’s childhood ex-wife has a conversation with a not-lucid Mother that convinces her Actor Brother has changed, and that finally their timing is right. Later, she gives Actor Brother a speech about how … you know … love, or … something or other, and then they kiss. Hooray for Actor Brother and Wife!

ANYTHING WITH THE REST OF THEM?

No.

AND UNCLE?

Uncle had sex and talked about balls.

Next week: Who knows.