Commander-in-"Whoops!" Barack Obama nearly tumbled down a whole god damn set of airplane stairs today after seemingly failing to master a skill that even toddlers have grasped—putting one foot in front of the other.

The humiliating pratfall befell our nation's "Dear Leader (of Injuries)" as he was disembarking from his plush, taxpayer-funded private jet—a task he has done hundreds and hundreds of times before. The "job," if you can call it that, is simple: set one foot on a stair, then the next foot on the next stair, and before you know it you're at the bottom of the staircase. For millennia, billions upon billions of humans have successfully navigated much steeper staircases without ill effect. Yet video evidence show that the man chosen to lead the world's most powerful nation seems incapable of walking down a perfectly level flight of stairs without temporarily losing his balance—an attribute that the human brain generally handles without any conscious effort.

As cameras roll, the President bounds out of the plane happily, a smile creasing his superficially attractive face. When he reaches the second stair, however, things change. No longer is Barack Obama the suave and "in-control" fellow to whom so many Americans woefully pledged their allegiance. Instead, in the space of an instant, he becomes something more akin to a gutter drunk, or a man having a stroke, or a chicken with a broken leg. As his foot wobbles and his perch atop the stairs grows doubtful, Obama splays out his arms, grabbing onto both railings in a pose more fitting for an elderly dementia patient than for the symbol of masculine free world leadership. He is saved from bodily disaster only by luck. One can only imagine the intelligence services of foreign powers including Iran, North Korea, and Syria cackling as they review the video of the near-flop over and over again, secure in the knowledge that the United States of American is hardly commanded by a real "macho" type. It seems we are led, rather, by a uniquely American version of Mister Bean. One assumes that upon reaching the bottom of the stairs, Barack Obama squirted seltzer from a flower affixed to his lapel and handed someone an exploding cigar—activities befitting someone exhibiting his gross physical tendencies.

Little wonder our "hardworking" president was returning from a golf outing. I hope that the strain of being wheeled around a lush course in motorized cart was not too strenuous for you, Mr. President. We, your loyal subjects, are all quite happy that you did not suffer a more terrifying calamity. Thank god, Mr. President, that you did not start "busting a rhyme" in celebration while pouring coffee directly onto the American flag. We pray that one day the president of the United States of America learns how to walk.

Disgusting.

[Image via AP]

Contact the author at Hamilton@Gawker.com.