Apricot variety Donald Trump plans to unveil his bold new economic agenda in a speech today. Many of the worst possible policies, together at last!

Yesterday, Ted Cruz’s wife Heidi addressed rumors that her husband is secretly the Zodiac Killer by explicitly not denying the rumors. Today, Ted Cruz took that tactic one step forward, confirming at a press conference that his own father, Rafael Cruz, assassinated JFK.

Late Saturday night at a White House Correspondents Dinner afterparty, two not-not intoxicated reporters got into a scuffle about a fellow reporter. Now there’s video of the incident.

Donald Trump has now reversed his earlier position that he would get rid of America’s $19 trillion debt in eight years. Which is good, because that would have been mathematically impossible. He’s getting more presidential every day.

Government by the people, for the people would be great if we, the people, weren’t such morons. In deed, in an effort to insure that good grammar shall not perish from the earth, Official House Resolution No. 1220 comes to the good people of Missouri from Rep. Tracy McCreery, who has apparently built up some deep-seeded loathing for her colleagueses abuse of the English language. In an interview with the Missouri Riverfront Times, McCreery explained that her fellow pubic servants’ constant slips of the tongue had the affect of “nails on a chalkboard” and that “it happens pretty much daily.”

Cliven Bundy, the Nevada cattle rancher who birthed the Oregon militia movement in more ways than one, was arrested last night on felony conspiracy charges after he tried to join the standoff.

During an evening showing of 13 hours yesterday, a theater full of Benghazi enthusiasts in Renton, Washington bore witness to a different sort of disaster when an allegedly drunk 29-year-old dropped his gun, accidentally shooting one of his fellow theater-goers in the chest. As of this morning, the 40-year-old woman was listed as being in “serious condition.”

At long last, frothing Republicans are right: America does face an immigration crisis. Specifically, the rhetoric from frothing Republicans is the crisis. The talk has now devolved all the way to raving bloodthirsty craziness. Or, anyway, good lord it’s exhausting.

Though many have condemned Donald Trump for repeating his claims that “thousands” of New Jersey Muslims celebrated on 9/11, and that there is old TV news footage somewhere out there to prove it, one brave, bumbling Fox & Friends host defended the “idea” of Trump’s story this morning. That man was Steve Doocy, of course.

Cranial bee sting victim Donald Trump is a leading presidential candidate, despite the fact that he is clearly a stupid, racist clown. Can Donald Trump say anything too stupid to dissuade his own backers?

Is this what passes for genius these days? Oh man, gotta get from this short-ass perch to right there—right there—on that carpeted floor. Better rearrange the whole goddamn bed situation. Guy probably needs crampons and a hundred feet of rope to get back on the bed.

Sunday night (in the Western Hemisphere) the shadow of the the Earth will fall on the face of the full moon, darkening it. This is the uncommon, but not too uncommon, phenomenon called a “lunar eclipse.”

Steve Rannazzisi, That Guy From That Show The League, is in trouble this week after admitting he lied for years about surviving the destruction of the World Trade Center. Just now on Twitter, he managed to look even dumber.

A group of HSBC bankers executed their own careers when they decided to make a mock ISIS beheading video, and then compounded that stupidity by voluntarily posting the clip on Instagram.

Citing “American tradition” (which may or may be an oblique reference to money—who’s to say?) the cable channel Reelz announced Thursday that it will broadcast the Miss USA pageant after both NBC and Univision dropped the show in the wake of Donald Trump’s latest idiot statements.

According to reports, singer-smolderer Enrique Iglesias just paid the state of Florida a hefty bail-amos (to get out of jail) (after he allegedly drove around on a suspended license) (then lied to the cops about who was driving.)

Frank Bruni, a professional newspaper columnist who—unfortunately, given his chosen profession—has not had a single good idea in the past five years, continues that proud streak today. In spectacular fashion!

Donald Trump just got himself fired from NBC for being the big racist moron everyone always knew he could be.

Donald Trump, to be fair, says a lot of idiot things. And for the most part, people just ignore him until he tires himself out, as you might a child having a tantrum. But it looks like his idiot comments about drug-addicted-rapist Mexicans rightfully offended some people—Univision says they’re not going to air the Miss USA beauty pageant as long as he’s involved.

Having friends is so great, isn’t it? They’re great to talk to, great to hug, great to hit with swords, why not, we’re all drunk here, right?