Gawker Gift Guide: What We Want But Cannot Have
And some things you can buy us instead
As the saying goes, money can’t buy happiness. And as the song goes, money can’t buy you class. While true, these adages neglect to acknowledge the fact that some things simply cannot be attained at all, by any means. No matter how hard we work, no matter how earnestly we try, there are some things — usually those we want most desperately — that we just cannot have.
We can have other stuff, though (via money). To honor the gaping chasms within us, here is the Gawker staff’s second annual list of the unattainable things we actually want, and the attainable things you can get us instead.
Sarah Hagi, Contributing Writer
WHAT SHE WANTS:
“I wish I had a list of anyone who has ever been attracted to me. I just want the data in Spotify Wrapped format.”
WHAT YOU CAN GET HER INSTEAD:
“I want this black Prada nylon tote.”
Darcie Wilder, Social Media Editor
WHAT SHE WANTS:
“I would appreciate some acceptance/reconciliation with mortality (mine and others).”
WHAT YOU CAN GET HER INSTEAD:
“A shack in the woods with a wood-burning stove.”
Jenny G. Zhang, Features Editor
WHAT SHE WANTS:
“To stall the passage of time; to be ensconced in a bubble wherein I and my loved ones will know neither old age nor pain nor death.”
WHAT YOU CAN GET HER INSTEAD:
“All-expenses-paid stay at a five-star resort in Taormina, Italy.”
Leah Finnegan, Editor-in-Chief
WHAT SHE WANTS:
“To wake up each morning calm, positive, and refreshed.”
WHAT YOU CAN GET HER INSTEAD:
“Davek MINI compact umbrella in turquoise.”
Tarpley Hitt, Staff Writer
WHAT SHE WANTS:
“Really fast trains everywhere so I never have to fly. Another train (any speed) running from Astoria to Gowanus. They should be able to make GMO animals now, like a cat-size zebra. Phone book for celebrities.”
WHAT YOU CAN GET HER INSTEAD:
“A nice rug.”
Claire Carusillo, Features Writer
WHAT SHE WANTS:
“I want to sell my book I've been working on since 2017 in the next three months (actually, let's say six months) because I have to move on with my freaking life or else the person I was when I started it six years ago will be entombed forever within my body (it's an ancient temple), and she can be pretty annoying.
But that's only part of what I want. I want the publication of this book to change my life in some way that's visible, envy-inducing, and permanent. I guess I'm saying I want my patience and diligence rewarded with money and status. Has anyone ever gotten something like that?”
WHAT YOU CAN GET HER INSTEAD:
“Roucha Pleat Sweatpant in Black/Cream ($148), venmo: @clocarus”
George Civeris, Senior Editor
WHAT HE WANTS:
“Clarity.”
WHAT YOU CAN GET HIM INSTEAD:
“A little gold chain.”
Brandy Jensen, Deputy Editor
WHAT SHE WANTS:
“The ability to sing even remotely well.”
WHAT YOU CAN GET HER INSTEAD:
“A karaoke machine.”
Fran Hoepfner, Contributing Writer
WHAT SHE WANTS:
“For no one close to me to die. I have suffered what I believe to be a normal and routine amount of loss in my life, so I think I am good on anything else probably for forever. Does this mean wishing eternal life on my loved ones? Maybe, but that's their problem now.”
WHAT YOU CAN GET HER INSTEAD:
“Tabi Mary Janes.”
Kelly Conaboy, Senior Writer
WHAT SHE WANTS:
“I want my dog to live comfortably and happily until whenever I die. And I want to be able to go even a single second without all of the stress in my body manifesting in the clenching of my jaw. And I would like to be able to relax with the knowledge that my life is very easy, and not stress out constantly despite the fact that my life is very easy.”
WHAT YOU CAN GET HER INSTEAD:
“Neck and Shoulder Relaxer, Cervical Traction Device for TMJ Pain Relief and Cervical Spine Alignment, Chiropractic Pillow, Neck Stretcher (Black).”
Olivia Craighead, Staff Writer
WHAT SHE WANTS:
“I would love, just once, to buy the perfect amount of groceries. Not a leaf of spinach spoils, none of my yogurts mysteriously migrate to the back of the fridge only to be found after their expiration date, and for once in my life I actually eat a whole bag of clementines. This should be easy, but I find it to be a completely impossible task.”
WHAT YOU CAN GET HER INSTEAD:
“I think a Theragun would be nice.”
Allie Jones, Contributing Writer
WHAT SHE WANTS:
“Financial literacy in my twenties.”
WHAT YOU CAN GET HER INSTEAD:
“A gift card to a spa :)”
