Nancy Pelosi had a pretty bad weekend in the Hamptons, Page Six reports. I feel confident that I could have planned a better weekend for her and would be happy to do so for a nominal fee.

Page Six has the darkly comedic tale of a venerated 75-year-old politician who got booked at a hip hotel, was kept awake by rude party monsters until 4 a.m., and still couldn’t even get a dinner reservation.

The 75-year-old House minority leader stayed at the hip hotel The Capri, where parties often go well into the early hours. Sources told us Pelosi, who was there with a large security detail, was kept awake until 4 a.m. by music and the crowd at the restaurant of the Southampton hot spot.

According to a source, “Pelosi told people she didn’t get much sleep Saturday night, but she didn’t make a fuss or complain to the hotel.” Another source said Pelosi had wanted to dine at the hotel’s restaurant, Beautique, that night, but arrived without a reservation and they were forced to turn her away.

“She was accompanied by a lot of security. Guests like Howard Stern already had tables,” says a spy. We’re told the restaurant did put together some room service so she could dine in her room.

Really, who chose this for her? The Capri is great, I guess, if you’re European, or in your 30s, or a former catalogue model on the prowl. So who decided to book the septuagenarian House Minority Leader at a party hotel with a restaurant that transforms into a nightclub at 11 p.m.?

My god, this is the Hamptons. This town was literally designed for old white ladies with money. She could have gone anywhere else and had a better time. Places such as:

  • Paul McCartney’s formal dining room, Nick & Toni’s
  • 75 Main, a place Joe Biden went once
  • The Maidstone, where “Scandinavian-inspired” is very much a code word (for “white people come here”)
  • The Palm
  • The vending machine at the East Hampton Airport
  • Pierre’s, where I once saw Ramona Singer
  • Lunch, as seen on that Showtime show no one watched, The Affair
  • Red Stix, which is not “notably good,” or even “delicious” per se, but people think it’s cool because Beyoncé likes it
  • The Starbucks in Bridgehampton
  • A private chef, ever heard of it???
  • I don’t know, I feel like even the Sloppy Tuna, a sticky hell where hope goes to die, would probably be more accommodating

At least her security detail had the right idea:

While it was not clear why Pelosi was staying at the fashionable spot, or the reason for her visit to the Hamptons, a rep for the top Democrat insisted her security detail ate at McDonald’s and one staffer had food in their room.

Maybe next time her staffers can find a nice share house or something.

Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.