Today is Flag Day, America's most important holiday. And while it might seem like a good idea to wear flag wings over your bikini or use a tattered Old Glory as a summer blouse, such actions are illegal. But because there's no enforcement or punishment for hurting the American flag, freedom is constantly under assault.

You might think Flag Day is in the Constitution or something, but in fact it was made up by a young loser not so different than today's people on Twitter. From the Flag Day Foundation comes this stirring tale of a minor day of observance somebody just made up in Wisconsin:

In Waubeka, Wisconsin, in 1885 Bernard John Cigrand a nineteen year old school teacher in a one room school placed a 10” 38 star flag in an inkwell and had his students write essays on what the flag meant to them. He called June 14th the flag’s birthday. Stony Hill School is now a historical site. From that day on Bernard J. Cigrand dedicated himself to inspire not only his students but also all Americans in the real meaning and majesty of our flag.

That even sounds like something a schoolteacher would write today!

It took a very long time for the idea of honoring the flag to catch on, but by 1949 Congress made it official: June 14 was Flag Day, part of "National Flag Week," and also not a real holiday. This is why so few people care about the flag—as we've seen from the popular Memorial Day and Veterans Day observations, giving Americans a three-day weekend goes a long way toward creating an understanding of these annual rituals.

As important American "cultural ambassadors," iconic talents such as Ke$ha and the Victoria's Secret underwear models and Howard Stern's superhero characters should know more than anyone that the flag is not to be draped over one's back, boobs or butt. Please don't do that! Children look up to such influencers. And until there's a death penalty for flag desecration, the best we can do is use a "bully pulpit" as a crude weapon.

Flag desecration by hippies and radicals used to upset regular Americans because all citizens were taught to honor the flag. A dirty stoner girl in a flag bikini top was an outrage, instead of something Republican high-schoolers do on July 4 with the best of intentions. As times and morals change and the populace de-evolves, there are new threats to this nation's most precious freedoms and institutions. Today's criminals who treat the Stars and Stripes like an enemy combatant are so often our beloved entertainers, or just old patriotic people who don't know any better.

On the occasion of Flag Day 2013, here are some common flag desecrations by people who should know better. Whether due to senility, ignorance, brain damage, porn values, crippling drug addiction or even an honest mistake, these so-called Americans are doing more damage to our democracy than any hundred Edward Snowdens could ever do with all the computers in the world.

When you see something like this, say something.

There were no real rules about the flag until (unofficial) Flag Day of 1923, only 90 years ago! And that didn't even become part of the United States legal code until 1943. Until then, people could do whatever they wanted with the flag and still be patriotic. Anything. A diaper? Why not? What is anyone going to do about it? Plus it's kind of cute! [Diaper by SoStinkinCute via Etsy.]

But now there are rules. Is there a punishment for treating an American flag improperly? Not yet. Congress periodically attempts to protect the flag from arsonists and maniacs, but thus far the U.S. Flag Code is an advisory set of federal laws—and this means the citizenry must deliver punishment when an offender is found harming Old Glory, even by accident. [Photo via Facebook.]

"The flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning." [Photo via Wonkette.]

"The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery. It should never be festooned, drawn back, nor up, in folds, but always allowed to fall free." [Bikini by Lemibono via Etsy.]

"The flag should never be used as a receptacle for receiving, holding, carrying, or delivering anything." [Photo via LoveItSoMuch.]

We should not drape an American flag over anything other than a coffin. The only time it's okay to have a flag draped over something is if you are inside that something, dead, and are also some kind of military person. Do not drape flags over lecterns, pulpits, picnic tables, vaginas, baby changing stations, or homeless people who are freezing to death. It's not allowed. Before you even think of draping a flag over something, simply ask yourself a question: "Is this a coffin with a dead U.S. soldier inside?" If the answer is no, go ahead and turn yourself in at the nearest police station or military garrison.

Enjoy Flag Day ... responsibly.

[Top images via Getty Images.]