2012

The Republican Assault on Capitalism and Its Cherished Leader, Mitt Romney

Jim Newell · 01/09/12 12:37PM

Well it's about time that these losers got around to knocking the dickens out of Mitt Romney, that great labor liquidator of the shareholder value revolution. Everyone, right and left, is pointing and laughing the sad galoot over this clip, in which he says he likes firing people. No, scratch that: He says he likes "being able to fire people." What does he really say?

Marcus Bachmann Cold Sore Coincides With Moment of Fame

Maureen O'Connor · 01/04/12 02:15PM

Poor Marcus Bachmann. The gleefully gay-seeming, possibly pushy, highly catty Christian therapist husband of Michele Bachmann suffered two humiliations this week: First, his wife called out his doggie sunglasses shopping spree on live TV. Then, the famously press-conscious fashion fiend ("All I want to know is what they're saying about me," he told New Yorker reporter Ryan Lizza) was forced to stand next to Michele in the critical final moments of her campaign with a giant cold sore on his mouth! Must have been the stress. Tasteful doggie eyewear is not easy to find in Des Moines.

After Not Thinking About It Much at All, Rick Perry Will Stay

Jim Newell · 01/04/12 01:31PM

Adorable Texas bigot Rick Perry quickly decamped to the forests of his home state last night to "reassess" his campaign, which is usually what you'd say when you're dropping out but need a couple of days to raise cash and pay off the bills. But Rick Perry is clearly too insane to concentrate on such things for more than a few minutes, so he's already made up his mind and decided to stay in the race. He announced this via Twitter, with a classic "Rick Perry Photo," and without really teling anyone. Good form, Perry! The dream will never die.

Reddit Has Gone Mad with Power

Adrian Chen · 01/03/12 05:25PM

The past few weeks have seen an impressive burst of political activism from nerd hive Reddit. Now they're talking about "destroying" senators. Oh jesus, this does not bode well.

2012 All Over the World

Matt Toder · 01/02/12 05:37PM

Every country rings in the new year in their own special way, but mostly they all involve fireworks and cheering. Here is a collection of midnight in a handful of cities around the globe.

Michele Bachmann's Beautiful Ode to the AR-15 Assault Rifle

Jim Newell · 12/30/11 10:54AM

I'm telling you, CSPAN is just some shit-hot television right now. Everything is incredible. Hell, I watched Ron Paul shake hands after a Des Moines rally last night for 30 minutes—in high-definition. It was great. It's the new MTV! And now what's this, Michele Bachmann jawing on the radio about guns and her favorite gun for a couple of minutes? Sure, tell us all about it.

Here's Your Useless Iowa Political Weather Report

Jim Newell · 12/29/11 05:02PM

It's the best part of any presidential election cycle: That period a few days before the Iowa caucuses when no one's working and so you just type some nonsense about the weather in Iowa. What if the weather is snow? Someone wins. What if it is anti-snow, or sun? Well in that case the other schmuck wins.

Michele Bachmann's Lovely Ode to the AR-15 Rifle

Jim Newell · 12/29/11 02:30PM

I'm telling you, CSPAN is just some shit-hot television right now, in Iowa. Hell, I watched Ron Paul shake hands after a Des Moines rally last night for 30 minutes — in high-definition. It was great. It's the new MTV! And now what's this, Michele Bachmann jawing on the radio about guns and her favorite gun for a couple of minutes? Sure, tell us all about it.

The Iowa Occupiers' Chilling Plot to Engage in Participatory Democracy

Jim Newell · 12/28/11 03:45PM

Will the Occupy movement destroy the comely state of Iowa? Considering that they plan on interrupting a few caucuses and hollering in some offices, one can safely assume... no. But whatever they're planning on doing, it's apparently enough to scare the Iowa Republican party into secret bunkers, where they'll be safe from this nefarious grasp of "political activists."

All the Vicious Things That Losing Candidates Are Saying About Ron Paul

Jim Newell · 12/28/11 01:45PM

It's hard to imagine that Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, and Rick Santorum were hoping to be days away from the Iowa caucuses and spending most of their time attacking Ron Paul, who just so happens to be crushing them all. But here they are, and boy howdy are they spitting hot fire at this crabby old doctor-paleolibertarian! Here are some highlights.

Rick Perry Hates Abortion More Than Ever, After Watching a Movie

Jim Newell · 12/28/11 12:37PM

Rick Perry is still trying to convince Iowa voters that he's the most socially conservative candidate this godforsaken planet has ever seen, in his last ditch-attempt to get anyone to vote for him. We all remember when he was like, why are gays in the military when something something children Christmas Jesus? Then he pounced on his wife, putting her in her place. And now he's announcing that he's upgraded his anti-abortion club membership, after watching a movie about ladies.

Follow the Ron Paul Newsletter Twitter for 140-Character Bursts of Horrific Racism

Max Read · 12/27/11 10:09AM

If you've been too busy celebrating the holidays to keep track of the doings of internet blimp magnate Ron Paul, you might have missed the 50 scans of Paul's various, unbelievably hateful newsletters, published on Mr. Destructo last week. But as pleased as that made us, we're even more pleased to discover @RP_Newsletter, an enterprising new Twitter account that's re-Tweeting the best of those newsletters, 140 characters at a time!

Mayan Apocalypse Is Total Bullshit, Claim Druids

Max Read · 12/22/11 04:00PM

The scientific and religious consensus that the world is going to end in 365 days when the planet Nibiru collides with earth on December 21, 2012 was dealt a shattering blow yesterday when English druids said their winter solstice ritual was "a good omen for the year ahead." Will 2012 probably be okay because the druids said so? Or will it be the literal end of time because the Mayans* said so?