♦ Who's helping Madonna cope with her nasty, public divorce from Guy Ritchie? Best pal Gwyneth Paltrow, of course. "You know, she's a dear friend, and I'm supporting her in all [the] ways that I can... she's a very good friend." [Us, AP]
♦ In other Madonna news, Guy Ritchie now believes Madonna is spying on him, Madonna is now suggesting she wants to raise her kids in NYC, and Alex Rodriguez wants to move so he can be closer to the love of his life. [The Sun, People, R&M]
♦ Least plausible rumor ever: "Well placed sources" say that if Obama is elected president, he'll consider making Oprah British Ambassador. [TMZ]

After offending gays, Asians, and audiences with its ignoble release last summer, the Adam Sandler gay marriage vehicle I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry has found itself back in the news this week with equally confounding results. According to the Washington Post (via Videogum), new legislation that could provide employee benefit programs to the partners of gay federal employees is under siege thanks to Office of Personnel Management deputy director Howard C. Weizmann, who cites the Sandler movie as reason enough not to put the plan into action:

We're more than a little disappointed to find that nobody has yet uploaded any video, audio or any record whatsoever of Adam Sandler, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen or Kevin James's stand-up sessions last Saturday at UCB. The quartet was concluding rehearsals MC Judd Apatow's forthcoming comedian opus Funny People, insights into which we'd gone all the way to Canada to retrieve as recently as July. Then we miss one night in Franklin Village and it's radio silence. Folks, step it up. We're serious. It's not a Beatles reunion or anything, but if we have to read abstractly about Hill biting it or Rogen defaulting to his imaginative zenith of airplane flatus, there's no reason we shouldn't be able to see or hear it in all its stumbling, meandering glory:

Mario Batali turns 48 today. Congrats, big fella! Other folks who will be blowing out candles today: Actress Michelle Williams is 28. Adam Sandler is turning 42. Hugh Grant is 48. Dreamy big band singer Michael Buble is 33. Tom Wopat, the Dukes of Hazzard dude who later turned to Broadway, is 57. And model (and Rod Stewart ex) Rachel Hunter is 39.

There's something about Zohan. The overseas box office had been buoyed recently by a flurry of well-received summer releases, the most confounding being Spain's love affair with Adam Sandler's You Don't Mess With the Zohan. What, exactly, is it about a crimping-iron-wielding Mossad agent that has locals skipping siestas to catch the comedy two, sometimes three times? We sent the data to the Defamer Foreign Box Office Analysis Dept.They sent back a busy graph that showed a confluence of lines plotting summer hours, male bulge humor, and funny Mediterranean accents. Add to that a diversion-hungry populace still shellshocked from the time Gwyneth Paltrow and her redheaded Hell's Angels boyfriend literally ate their way through the country, and you have what could be considered the perfect summer movie storm.

Judd Apatow is the first to admit that he makes "dick movies with heart," and his latest project is no exception. It's a relationship saga set in the world of stand-up comedy, and as he explains, "It's not a big high-concept movie. It's hopefully going to be a very, very funny drama."

Forbes released their "Celebrity 100" this week and along with the usual top earners is the list of this year's drop-offs—celebs whose lackluster year got them booted from the list, people like Tom Hanks, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, and Jeff Foxworthy. One slightly awkward choice: Adam Sandler, who Forbes concluded had "failed to lure blockbuster audiences—or blockbuster buzz—this past year." Too bad the kids at Forbes went to the press with their list last week. Before, that is, You Don't Mess with The Zohan came out, which garnered surprisingly good reviews (for a stupid comedy anyway) and did pretty well in receipts, too. The movie was No. 2 at the box office last weekend, raking in more than $40 million.

Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your regular cheat sheet to what's new, noteworthy and/or doomed among the week's movie releases. Today we break down the hand-to-hand combat between a violence-prone bear and an equally vicious Israeli hairdresser, determine which also-ran will look on pitiably from the sidelines, suss an underdog for the multiplex-allergic among you, and review the best and brightest new DVD's. As always, our opinions are our own, but in keeping with the spirit of this week's Big Two, they are also reliable and brutally precise.

MTV announced Wednesday that this weekend's Movie Awards show would recognize Adam Sandler as its Generation Award winner, apparently the highest accolade an actor can receive at the annual festivities. Don't call it synergy, though; such shameless dovetailing is the last thing on the network's mind, with Sandler's market-cornering man-child apparently towering over the imminent opening of You Don't Mess With the Zohan five days later:

Though celebrities dropping trou for the glossies has proven both controversial in Miley Cyrus' case, and "artsy" in Lindsay Lohan's, both of these spreads were intelligently shot behind closed doors. But when GQ decided to photograph Entourage's Emmanuelle Chirqui fully exposing her curves in the bright light of day, controversy didn't come by way of conservative media pundits. It arrived in the form of the LAPD's official nudity-watch squad, who interrupted the shoot to get a closer look make sure all was okay on set. As Chirqui recalls, one pervy fed stepped in as art director and instructed the crew "Could you make sure that her areolas aren't showing?" See what all the fuss was about for yourself after the jump:

Amid yet another hot streak on Broadway, celebrated actor/playwright and Harvey Fierstein doesn't have to answer to anyone about anything — his nearly 40-year career, his iconic gayness, none of it! At least not until Adam Sandler, apparently in the market for a flaming foil, came a-calling while casting his new film. Fierstein did have a response for that:

· Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen and Leslie Mann will star in "Untitled Apatow Manchild Project" for Universal and Sony, providing ample opportunity for former Apatow-roomie Sandler to glimpse his director's flaccid manhood. [Variety]
· Mila Kunis will play opposite Mark Wahlberg in Max Payne, the movie version of the pulp noir videogame. Sadly, lack of cheat-codes will prevent audiences from seeing her blow some guy's brains out completely naked. [Link NSFW!] [Variety]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often—the fate of the universe relies upon it! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about how the sound of Mickey Rourke's loud snoring prevented you from getting any work done at the Santa Monica Public Library.

Because we're all desperately in need of some stories of spiritual uplift this dismal holiday season, we offer you an eyewitness account from a highly placed Defamer operative of box office titan and "Hanukkah Song" troubadour Adam Sandler coming to the rescue of an injured woman in the parking lot of local skating rink:

· If anyone knows where we can pimp our gas-guzzling ride with the words "Clean Energy" along the sides in massive blue letters, we're all ears. We hear it's foolproof horny-starlet-bait. [via TMZ]
· Congratulations to Lindsay Lohan, whose first post-rehab gig appears to be selling $5 Polaroids of herself to tourists with the rest of the Chinese Theater Justice League!
· Is it a coincidence that on the day reports emerge that #1 Yahoo search topic Britney Spears failed to show up to her "Piece of Me" video shoot, MTV and Jive Records announce their Make Your Own 'Piece of Me' Video Contest? Wethinks not.
· We defy you to resist these photos of injured hedgehogs with brightly colored scrunchie casts.
· It's the first night of Hanukkah. Has linking to Adam Sandler's "The Hanukkah Song" become a cliché? Yes. Yes it has. Do we care? No. No we don't.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you spotted inner-monologue-addicted serial killer Dexter and his completely clueless sister munching on tortilla chips at Marix.

Though two stuntmen suffered burns in an on-set accident during a shoot for Adam Sandler's You Don't Mess With the Zohan on the Universal backlot yesterday, the quick-thinking star prevented even worse injuries by immediately dousing the flames with the fire extinguisher he'd wisely stored in his mankini in anticipation of just such a mishap. [Breitbart]

· Either Adam Sandler's next movie is about the Geico Caveman they call Hung Like Woolly Mammoth, or we have a whole new appreciation for the actor. Either way, he has our attention.
· "My mom and I stopped at a church during a road trip we were making from our home in Mexico. When we went inside, I prayed for the miracle I wanted to happen. I put my hands in holy water and said: 'Please God, give me some breasts'. And he gave me them!" Yes he did, Salma. Yes he did.
· What feature is Renée Zellweger most proud of? Her unflappable sanity in the face of massive movie stardom. Just check out the screws on that girl—not a loose one in the bunch!
· David Letterman is reaching into his deep pockets to take care of his staff of stagehands, cameramen, and blank cue card holders.
· Looks like O.J. Simpson will be going to trial on "on kidnapping, armed robbery and other charges," where he could face a life sentence with no parole in a prison full of amply endowed inmates.

"Sadie Sandler, with dad, Adam, wore her Disney Vintage "Hug" t-shirt while the two ate lunch at Hamburger Hamlet in LA on Saturday. Available at www.fredsegalfun.com. Please let me know if you can place this or would like more info on Disney Vintage! Thanks!"

Mexican audiences will be able to find out what all the bear-on-bear fireman fuss was about, as Los declaro marido y ... Larry—aka I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry—is finally getting a release there. (It rolled into Spain a few weeks ago, with the far catchier title Os Declaro Marido Y Marido, and an accompanying feeder-fetish website that hearkens to other classics of the genre.) In Mexico City to promote the opening, Adam Sandler appears to have fallen for the oldest wire reporter trick in the book—answering "Sure, why not?" to a seemingly innocuous but strategically phrased question, then waking up to headlines outlining your passionate commitment to fighting for gay rights: