Do not give any money to Bubba.

A heroin-addicted FBI agent ingested the evidence against at least 28 alleged drug dealers, leading the agency to dismiss dozens of charges—and as many as 150 defendants could go free as a result, the Washington Post reports.

This seven-minute video of Russian heroin addicts, dressed in high fashion clothes, discussing their hopes and dreams and other profoundly normal topics is either exploitative, or a deeply moving exploration of humanity. Worth watching either way. [Vimeo]

Larry Carlat used to be a married editor of a men's magazine. (Men's Health, according to LinkedIn.) Then he became obsessed with Twitter, lost his job, got divorced, and alienated loved ones. In a grim addiction memoir for NYT Magazine's Lives column, the tweetoholic describes tweeting "every hour on the hour, day and night":

What was Bizarre Foods host Andrew Zimmern doing before he started eating bull testicles for a living? He was homeless and stealing old ladies' purses to fund his cocaine, heroin, and alcohol habit, that's what. [The Fix]

A three-year-old is being treated for alcoholism after exhibiting withdrawal symptoms, and the authorities claim the child has been consuming booze regularly for a period of time. We're not quite sure how, but Four Loko must be to blame. [Telegraph]

Passages, the celeb-friendly drug and alcohol rehab center whose Malibu facility charges nearly $90,000 per month, is considering opening a facility in the Hamptons—a fifth of their patients are from the Tri-state area! There's one major problem, though.

Look to your left; look to your right. One of the mild-mannered, college-educated people sitting next to you could be harboring a secret McRib Sandwich fetish. Generic machine-shaped pork product addicts are, reportedly, everywhere.

Mark Malkoff is addicted to the internet. Logically, the only way to rid himself of his addiction was by locking himself in his bathroom for 5 days without technology. Watch below to see if he successfully beat his addiction!

The average teenager sends nearly 3,000 texts a month. Experts say that kids these days are literally addicted to texting. Wow. Talk about a shitty addiction. Where's the glamor? We have the formula for breaking this useless, unsexy addiction.

What with all the selling of kids, and terrorizing of kids, and forcing kids to fight, and dressing kids as Hitler, you may have assumed that parents today could not get any worse. Wrong! They can also ignore their kids.

Famous sex addict Benoit Denizet-Lewis is sorry for publicly confirming that Tiger Woods is in rehab for sex addiction, illustrating the fact that no addiction is quite as powerful as a SCOOP. (Except crack and heroin. And meth). [BDL]

Terry Watanabe, a big wheel in the Asian party favor import business, lost nearly $127 million gambling in Vegas casinos in 2007. But he gave fantastic tips. Call it even?

You are frustrating us a lot, Ashley Dupre. We tried and tried and tried (and tried!) to tell you that the New York Post is not your friend. But here you are, exchanging text messages with them. They print those!

Sexxxy New York Post sex columnist and chief purveyor of thinly-veiled sexy bisexual fantasies Andrea Peyser knows this "Sex addict rehab" thing is for quitters. Take your sex rehab and shove it up the hole of your choice, sexy celebs!

Once upon a time Denis Beausejour was a wealthy ad exec at the world's largest advertiser, P&G. But guess what: he was also a major sex addict. Luckily now he has found Jesus and shared his sexy redemption story.

Former Gawker hottie Benoit Denizet-Lewis is still riding the addiction train to literary success! The America Anonymous author and unveiler of Down Low culture is writing about his sex addiction, luckily for pervs like you:

The plan was for Track to be the good kid in the Palin family. The athletically-named son of VP nominee Sarah Palin—who's set to ship out soon for Iraq—was portrayed as a symbol of patriotism on stage at the Republican Convention. But did he only join the Army to escape a life of drugs and crime back in Alaska? The newly famous enlistee gets the full investigative treatment from the Enquirer —which always saves the best stuff for the print version. Which we now have in hand! The young man has partied with some very talkative people. So: while Track was watching his mom enthrall the nation, was he really daydreaming of mainlining sweet, sweet Oxycontin and playing "master" criminal back home? We quote: Track is portrayed as the biggest bad boy in Wasilla. A serious drug problem, vandalism, theft, and partying are his main pastimes, allegedly. Which really wouldn't be that remarkable if the Republican party wasn't holding him up as, you know, a role model. If true, this would make the Palins a caricature: the country family with a pregnant teen, son on OxyContin, and a mom desperately trying to present a respectable face to the world. And failing. And honestly, everyone: the Enquirer does not represent the media elite. So the liberal media should be safely insulated from the backlash on this one. The best quotes from the Enquirer's story:

Gambling addiction is a serious problem that afflicts hundreds of thousands of Americans. To an addict, it may seem like slot machines are stalking you—calling you. It's tragic. So one ad agency for Empire City Casino said, "Let's go with that!" Click to watch how easy it is to tease out a problem gambler's psychosis and use it to lure them right back into the hive of one-armed bandits.

A scene from the literary life of Lindsay Lohan: