Monkey soldiers of killer doom? Prehensile terror tails and teeth! Trained macaques wielding automatic weapons and Islamofasctist sympathies! The word is finally out: the Taliban is using the CIA's murder monkey program against us. The troops! The troops!

[A soldier from Bravo Company, 2nd Battalion of the 508 Parachute Infantry Regiment of the 82nd Airborne, has his head shaved by the light of a flashlight at Combat Outpost Ware in the Arghandab Valley, outside Kandahar. Pic via AP.]

The political world is wrapping up this latest, fruitless "Will Michael Steele Quit?" cycle, with the RNC chair telling a crowd today that he "ain't going anywhere" after calling the Afghanistan war stupid. Ann Coulter agrees! Sorry, Sarah Palin.

[U.S. Army Sgt. Richard Hamburg crushes a friend during an Independence Day BBQ sumo wrestling match at Kandahar Airfield, Afghanistan. Image via Getty]

Political operatives of all stripes are furious at RNC chair Michael Steele today for his anti-Afghanistan war comments. Now everyone must "spin" and "clarify" instead of taking a half-day! Republicans are calling for Steele's resignation, while Democrats are being stupid.

Hilarious RNC chair Michael Steele apparently doesn't know his party's position on the Afghanistan war. Yesterday, Steele called the war one of Obama's choice that's unnecessary and not winnable. Agreed! Steele's flacks have now taken to mop duty.

Today in Factual Accounts of True Tales of American Heroism That Should Not Be Characterized as Propaganda: Hero Navy SEALs have rescued a helpless eagle that was shot by a fiendish Afghani.

The Senate has confirmed David Petraeus as Afghanistan's top commander in a close vote, 99-0.

[Afghan women walk near Darul Aman Palace in Kabul, Afghanistan. The 1920s-era palace, heavily damaged throughout the century, is a possible location for a house of parliament. Or haunted house! They should set up a haunted house. Pic via Getty]

General Stanley McChrystal, who headed the war in Afghanistan until disparaging comments about his bosses came to light in an article last week, will retire. Let's pitch in and get him a Rolling Stone subscription as a going-away gift! [Reuters]

Five young American men from the DC area have been sentenced by a Pakistani Anti Terrorism Court to 10 years in jail on terror charges. They were arrested in December while allegedly traveling to fight US forces in Afghanistan. [Dawn]

Here's a clip of Barack Obama, flanked by new Afghanistan commander David Petraeus and Vice President Joe "Bite Me" Biden, announcing the change from General Stanley McChrystal, a meanie. As always, be sure to gauge whether Obama "looks angry" enough.

NBC News reports that President Obama has "relieved" Gen. Stanley McChrystal of his command in Afghanistan. Lucky. He can play golf, drink Bud Light Lime, not be in Afghanistan, etc. And the AP hears that David Petraeus will replace him.

Stanley McChrystal left his secret meeting with Barack Obama today after about 20 minutes, and no one will tell us what happened yet! How rude. McChrystal, however, did leave the White House before a scheduled 11:35 Afghanistan war council meeting.

Will Barack Obama fire Stanley McChrystal after the general talked shit about everyone to Rolling Stone? Press secretary Robert Gibbs was pretty mum about this in today's briefing! Obama is "angry," though. Isn't that all people really want to hear?

Rolling Stone has published its big Stanley McChrystal "insubordination" piece online now, and he just trashes Barack Obama throughout the whole thing! Well, not really. There's a bigger thing getting trashed here called "the War in Afghanistan."

General Stanley McChrystal, commander of US and NATO forces in Afghanistan, along with aides in an upcoming Rolling Stone profile blasts senior Obama administration officials, like Vice President Joe Biden: "Biden? Did you say: Bite me?" Update: Story is online.

Thank your State Department: Blackwater/Xe has come back and won a $120 million Afghanistan contract.

Ever wonder what it's like to be set on fire? Step in front of the US military's "pain ray" Active Denial System and find out! It has recently been deployed to Afghanistan, but "has not been used operationally," yet.

Because of the desert conditions in Afghanistan, hook-and-pile tape (more commonly known as Velcro) on soldiers' uniforms is falling apart. The replacement for the malfunctioning technology? Good, old-fashioned buttons. If only the rest of the situation were so easily fixed.