According to a report in the Guardian, Monica Lewinsky came this close to sitting in the same box as Al Gore this weekend at Cannes before organizers wised up and tossed her out—narrowly averting a crisis, maybe, if this had happened in say, 1998. Mon dieu, quelle horreur. Can you even imagine?

Remember when Al Gore and the Clinton Administration made everyone happy by "reinventing government" back in the '90s, on the principle that government functions would be more efficient if a third-party private intermediary were taking profits on them, because the invisible hand of the free market will always produce optimal results? The New York Times has an update on the operations of USIS, the company born in 1996 with the privatization of the Office of Personnel Management's investigative operations.

As Diane Sawyer would say, "People around the world diiiiiiiiiiie—literally, die" for the right to vote. How do some Americans choose to wield this power so many have sacrificed their lives to obtain? By voting for Santa Claus. Or Mickey Mouse. Or a Korean-pop dance style that mimics a constipated jockey riding a horse.

Reaching for seemingly any reasonable explanation for Obama's stunning listlessness at yesterday's presidential debate, former Vice President Al Gore offered up a "controversial" suggestion: It's the altitude, stupid.

It was bad enough that Paul Ryan compulsively lied about his marathon time, but now comes word that, among recent vice-presidential candidates who ran marathons, Ryan is only the third fastest. John Edwards posted the fastest time at three hours and thirty minutes. Impressive, if not super surprising; you don't get to be as monstrously vain and awful as him without a masochistic workout regimen. The real surprise here, though – and the one sure to sting the most to Ryan – is the report that former Alaska Governor and current reality TV matriarch Sarah Palin ran a marathon in three hours and fifty-nine minutes, a full two minutes faster than Ryan's time.

Jose Canseco is the T.S. Eliot of Twitter. But how does this washed-up baseball star and confessed steroid user manage to churn out an endless stream of brilliantly twisted tweets? Maybe he has help.

Keith Olbermann was just fired from Current TV — and we hear that chances of him actually showing up to a slated appearance with old Sports Center cohost Dan Patrick at a panel in New York City next Thursday are not much higher than the lottery odds. Guess Dan will have to do this one by himself. Not that he should be surprised, given Keith's history of trouble with his networks.

There's a big story floating around the universe right now, and it's all yours, for $1.5 million.

Speaking at a conference in South Africa, Apple board member Al Gore blabbed about "the new phones coming out next month." Now everyone's expecting two new iPhones. Apple'll probably be cool about it. It's pretty laid back about iPhone launches.

Stephen Colbert welcomed former Vice President Al Gore to the Report tonight for a wide-ranging chat—just kidding, it was mostly about global warming because, duh, Al Gore. That notwithstanding, the interview did have two standout moments, including Gore's refusal to reciprocate Rick Perry's 1988 endorsement of him, as well as a conversation about Keith Olbermann that ended with Gore accidentally "outing" Colbert as a character. Here are both of them in one video.

My personal favorite way to remember how far to the right the Republican party has move in only a few years is this 2008 Al Gore-funded commercial in which Newt Gingrich and Nancy Pelosi urge the country to address climate change.

Al Gore is calling out President Obama for his lack of leadership on the environment, saying the White House has failed to "make the case for bold action on climate change."

Pathologically self-destructive ego-vessel Keith Olbermann is launching a new show on Al Gore's Current cable network in two weeks, so it's time to start the passive aggressive media tour!

In your odd Thursday media column: an old reporter goes on a Facebook-shaming rampage, the Boston Globe is suddenly "not for sale," Dick Ebersol retires, Bill Keller is still talking, and Al Gore says News Corp's censoring his network.

It's official: As had been rumored for hours, Keith Olbermann is bringing his special brand of self-righteous haranguing to Current TV, Al Gore's weird TV thingie that no one watches. On a phone conference call today, Olbermann revealed that he will host an hour-long newscast five nights a week for Current and will serve as the network's "Chief News Officer."

Whenever there's a major snowstorm nowadays, dingbats nationwide spew some variation of, "Some global warming this is, Al Gore." And what happens when Gore actually responds with simple explanations? They revert to "Al Gore invented the internet" jokes. Exciting times!

President Obama introduced his new chief of staff, Bill Daley, at a briefing this afternoon, without any major incidents. Phew! Because the last time a president introduced Daley in this setting, Daley collapsed, and Al Gore had to save him.

Al Gore has admitted that his early, critical support for corn-based ethanol subsidies — which he now admits is "not a good policy" — was designed to curry favor with Iowa farmers before his presidential run. Shameful! Enjoy liars' jail.

On November 11 for the past two years, Al Gore's Current TV has laid off a bunch of staffers. In 2008, 32 people were axed; 80 more were dismissed in 2009. With 11/11 upon us tomorrow, employees are getting nervous.

Los Angeles has named a new high school of environment science after former vice president Al Gore and author/activist Rachel Carson. And what better way to honor the two great environmentalists than by building the school on a contaminated site?