There are many ways we'd rather not start our day, but reading hirsute, temperamental actor Alec Baldwin on the Huffington Post, as he tries to get himself re-worked up over political injustice by using graphic sexual metaphors, might top the list:
We admit, some of our recent celebrity-infused, second-hand offerings have been a little lacking lately (what, suddenly you're too jaded to get worked up about a futon with Ian Ziering ass-divots?), but we think we can make up for it by sharing this eBay auction for "Alec Baldwin's 20 GB 4th Generation iPod!" The actor's name is engraved on the back, making us, much like the seller's feedback rating, 97.2% positive that it's authentic. Marrying the best of Apple's Click Wheel™ technology and Baldwin's Aging Hipster™ taste ("Flaming Lips, the Doors, and Velvet Underground..."), we imagine the personal stereo has been nestled against a sweaty thicket of chest hair on many a Stairmaster jaunt, as it cycled through his favorite playlist, "Songs Kim Hates."
Celebrity memorabilia collectors are no doubt filled with joy at the latest gem to hit eBay: what would appear to be an iPod once belonging to actor Alec Baldwin. Or an iPod belonging to someone else named Alec Baldwin, or perhaps the iPod of a weirdly misguided fan of Alec Baldwin. No explanation on how the seller came to aquire the item, but some info on Baldwin's tastes:
Just days after he defended himself in a New York tabloid against a fruit-salad head wardrobe stylist, the worlds of fashion and Alec Baldwin collide yet again, with spectacular results. In a war horn-trumpeting headline that reignites their longstanding feud with the actor, today's Page Six taunts, "ALEC: TOO OLD AND TOO FAT." For what, you may ask? Playing disco-era fashion superstar Halston in a movie about his life:
In between his SNL hosting gigs, SNL-themed sitcom gigs, and busily distancing himself from his troubled siblings, Alec Baldwin somehow still finds the time to be a movie star. On the set of his latest big screen venture, playing opposite Sarah Michelle Gellar in an adaptation of the hit chick lit novel The Girls' Guide to Hunting & Fishing, a feud has erupted between Baldwin and departing costume designer/scary clown-lady Patricia Field. NY Daily News JV Gossip Lloyd Grove reports:
• Heather Mills McCartney did not take part in pricey orgies with Arabs because she was a call girl. She did it for free, and for the love. [R&M]
• Madonna ends her friendship with Britney Spears because of Spears' flight from Kabbalah. Also because she's incompetent white trash. And that scrunchie ain't helping, either. [Scoop]
• In regards to said scrunchie, Spears tells Matt Lauer she's a "wreck." Oh, we know, honey. [IMDb]
• Jack Black and wife Tanya Haden present the world with newborn baby boy — but because of that Shiloh bitch, nobody's going to make a dime. [Us Weekly]
• Oprah Winfrey makes an appearance at producer LA Reid's 50th birthday party, but when Harpo goes out, she goes large, partying at Nobu 57 until 2:30 in the morning. And you just know she was surrounded by hos, bling, and Cristal. [Page Six]
• Costume designer Patricia "Don't call me Betsey" Field quits The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing, reportedly because of Alec Baldwin's behavior and intolerable hirsuteness. [Lowdown]
• Several confirmations today: God is dead, the world is nothing more than a cesspool of injustice, the horsemen are en route, and Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant. [R&M]
• Life & Style claims Lindsay Lohan spent $1 million on clothes last year and is now seeing a hypnotist to cure her shopping addiction. As if that addiction were her biggest problem. [Scoop]
• The Red Hot Chili Peppers may face a major lawsuit if Tom Petty decides that the band's first single, Dani California, is as similar to Mary Jane's Last Dance as everyone says it is. [Page Six]
• Uber-manager Benny Medina declares a moratorium on email. If he can make Mariah Carey into a similar taboo, then we'll really be impressed. [Lowdown]
• Les Moonves' wife Julie Chen finally comes clean and acknowledges that she's a robot. [Page Six]
• Eager to make career choices that will help her come out of her divorce looking mature and classy, Denise Richards joins the Pussycat Dolls. [TMZ]
• Kim Basinger files a motion to prevent her ex-husband Alec Baldwin from publishing a book about the ruin of their marriage. Let's take Basinger's side on this one — do we really want to hear any more about the 45-year-long divorce? [IMDb]
• Just because Britney Spears is knocked up again doesn't mean that she's content: rumors continue that she wants out of her marriage to Kevin Federline. So sweet of her to make the new baby special by threatening to bastardize it. [Scoop]
• Incarcerated pimp Jason Itzler claims Charlie Sheen was a stellar client, spending $20K on two lovely ladies who were thrilled to learn that the actor had a formidable package. You blew it, Denise. Dickhead. [Page Six]
• Diddy came all the way from Miami for the Time 100 party, only to learn that Oprah wasn't there. Not even the world's largest entourage can disguise that sort of disappointment. [Lowdown]
• Perhaps worried about word that Alec Baldwin is a holy terror, a publicist plants a lovely item about Baldwin's wonderful relationship with Nicole Seidel. [Page Six]
• Bionic Rolling Stone Keith Richards may be even more fucked up than previously thought. [IMDb]
• No longer in love with Tom Cruise, Rosie O'Donnell offers to get him the help he so desperately needs. [R&M (last item)]
• Jessica Simpson's best friend and personal assistant Cacee Cobb calls it quits on the latter position. But we all know that if you quit one, you're getting fired from the other. [Us Weekly]
• Lindsay Lohan may have cried wolf about being misquoted in Vanity Fair, but she's been legitimately misquoted in W about acknowledging that her mother and siblings visit their father in jail. There are no such visits and W will be issuing a correction. No correction in VF however — the girl said she puked, and the tape recorder doesn't lie. [Page Six]
• If Alec Baldwin were forced to sleep with right-wing harridan Ann Coulter, he'd "jump out the window" — and then the Republicans would win again. [Lowdown]
• Katie Holmes is so dedicated to smiling her way through this nightmare, she'll blankly grin even while Tom Cruise talks about being abused as a child. Or maybe she's just genuinely happy to hear about that kind of thing. [Page Six]
• After a whopping 82 days of their second try at marriage, Eminem has filed for divorce from Kim. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Paris Hilton says former BFF Nicole Richie is "jealous" and "pathetic." Atta girl, Paris — keep this bitch fight going! Simple Life 15 premieres soon! [Scoop]
Alec Baldwin is hosting Saturday Night Live for the 12th time tomorrow night, perhaps the only man who can make a Boy Scout molestation sketch funny ("I ll tell you a truth, canteen boy! You know what I hate? Underpants!"). The NY Times celebrates this SNL milestone, which ties him with John Goodman and puts both just behind lucky 13 Steve Martin, by spending some time with the actor as he prepares for the show. It appears the SNL writers have once again (quite literally) tapped comedy gold by placing Baldwin in a rugged environment to get his man-sex groove on:
There's a lot to love about mayoral candidate Gifford Miller's latest television commercial for his education plan: the beat-heavy soundtrack, the great graphics, the precious kids, the quick-cut photography befitting of a TRL champ.
A reader writes, in response to Jared Paul Stern's Post column ("Tips for flacks") yesterday:
1. Never, ever, fuck with Alec Baldwin or Tim Robbins, they are really big guys and won't hesitate to punch your lights out or throw a drink on you.
2. Just because you wear a fedora and eat dinner at Elaine's, it doesn t make you a journalist and I ll answer your stupid questions about my clients drug habits however I damn please.
3. Being friends with Mickey Rourke doesn't make you cool. [Ed. notePage Six columnist Richard Johnson and Mickey Roarke have a history of very publicly threatening to kick each other's asses. They're not friends. But you're right; being friends with Mickey Roarke doesn't make anyone cool. UPDATE: Nevermind. I'm told that A.J. Benza is friends with Roarke.]
4. If you are or were gay, just admit it and don't write a book about it.
5. I've seen your kid doing crank at a party in the East Village, you shouldn t talk about other people's kids.
6. Relax, Graydon gave you that money as a pay-off, he doesn't actually expect you to contribute a story to the magazine.
· Playboy editor James Kaminsky bans Carnie Wilson from the magazine because she's too fat, and bans Hef's girlfriends because "he hates that bleach-blonde fake breasts look." [Page Six]
· The LA Times' chief movie critic, Manohla Dargis, attacks her rivals in New York. [Page Six]
· Freelance writer Debra Laine reports that when she called Alec Baldwin's reps to do a profile on him, "He blew his stack." She quotes him as bellowing: "I don't need you. I don't need your help! I don't need anyone!" He then added, oddly, "I make my own decisions." [Page Six]
· Elizabeth Jagger, on having her teeth whitened: "For a while I can only eat white foods. Worse, I can't smoke" [Cindy Adams]
· James Gandolfini thought the script to Surviving Christmas was so bad, he refused to leave his trailer until it was fixed; "Face the Nation" anchor Bob Schieffer and Tom Brokaw have been conducting a practical joke war for years; and the Cheeky Girls prove that irony isn't dead in the UK with their chart-topping hit, "The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)." [NY Daily News]
