Classic news story: Man shoots friend, brings friend to hospital, denies he shot friend, later admits he shot friend.

A Pennsylvania man suspected of groping a fast-food worker was found after police followed his trail of curly fries.

Having learned what happens when giant babies are elected to govern the United States, Americans are very disgusted with their government. They like the Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security and Obamacare and Prescription Drug Benefits, but they don't like democracy, which is a pretty weird way to run a country.

A man is dead after a brawl involving 250 people broke out at a New Jersey bowling alley.

A contemporary American tale of woe: A Seattle Jack in the Box customer flew into a rage on Monday after being told that his third tub of ranch dressing would cost him a quarter. Not his first, nor his second, but his third. Naturally, he lost it.

After 42 years in solitary confinement for a crime he was found guilty of based on "sparse evidence," Herman Wallace died a free man yesterday, just three days after he was released from prison. He had lived most of his life in a room the size of a parking space. He was 71.

For the first time in 17 years, the U.S. Government has shut down, as Congressional Republicans refused to pass a budget resolution funding the federal government without attaching provisions to delay or defund Obamacare.

Here, from the Energy and Commerce Committee of the United States House of Representatives, is a roundup of generic reaction gifs presented for the sake of convincing you and your fellow citizens that the proposed Keystone XL oil pipeline is sound public policy.

Labor Day is a complete rip-off. Labor isn't celebrated at all—instead, a single day's break from labor is celebrated. You might think this is a stupid thing to care about, because Labor Day is really just about getting drunk in your yard, again. But that's actually evidence of this very successful con job pulled on you, the American worker (or unemployed person, or discouraged worker, or "grad student"). You probably don't even believe in Labor Day.

Bad news, patriots: According to a new UN study, America is no longer the most obese country among more populous nations. That honor, which, according to another study, Americans held as recently as March, now belongs to Mexico.

MURRICA! An escaped convicted rapist thought he could just sidle into an Ohio convenience store and order an iced tea, but he didn't count on American flag t-shirt guy recognizing him and TAKING HIM DOWN, all caught on video.

Joey Chestnut has won the Nathan's hot dog eating contest for a record 7th straight year.

The Statue of Liberty has reopened to the public for the first time since Superstorm Sandy. It had only been open for a few days last October after a year of renovations when Liberty Island was pummeled by the storm, leading to another shutdown of the statue.

How much does a Stinger missile cost?

As a quick but dramatic way to visualize changes in the landscape, Texas architect Samuel Aston Williams created GIFs out of aerial maps of American cities from the past thirty years. Watch developments spiderweb, woodlands disappear, grids fill in, water sources shrink, and roads extend forever, over and over again!

Americans are not only interested in giving away a large amount of weapons, they're also buying them in record numbers as well.

After Tuesday's last-minute rendition of the National Anthem at the NBA Finals on Tuesday, 11-year-old Sebastien De La Cruz was the subject of a torrent of racist social media. This morning, he perfectly shut up the haters.

Take a long, deep breath and look out on the bountiful expanse, for we are at the top of this roller-coaster ride we call America. Our apex comes in the form of the Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe, and though our swift decline will accompany a deep rumble in our bowels, we should have no regrets. This is what we were always meant for.

Buttery crusader Paula Deen was just foolin' when she said she would cut the copious slabs of butter out of her cooking. This was a bait and switch because museum subject Paula Deen has a whole brand of butter.

Police in Cleveland were called earlier today to break up a brawl that broke out during a kindergarten graduation ceremony at a local elementary school.